I’m more excited about the upcoming wave of “college experimental phase” sex crime accusations which are just around the corner. 

You could take the average fast food employee, stuff their pockets with dolla dolla bills and then wrap them in a burlap sack (to prevent accidental “sexiness”) and they’d still be terrible at their jobs.

Hmm. I look at the photos of these guys and I’m 100-percent certain I could make a better man out of the contents of the nearest dumpster. I had no idea that Etsy sold handcrafted, 100-percent free range Angora “scowl eyebrows”. The only difference between these idiots and Hitler is Hitler had more than zero…

Your list fails to mention “The Young Peoples”. Around a gazillion years ago a friend of mine would creep into his twelve-year old daughter’s room, sneak up next to her bed... and grab her iPod. Then dump her playlist while we drank beer and smoked the not beer. Pure new sounds. Sadly, children eventually become old…

“900-1800 hours (23 to 45 full-time weeks)“ which pays off handsomely if you have the appropriately slightly bent noggin allowing a person to /creatively/ code. For the rest of the Otherkins FURtran exists for a reason.  

“I’m a special and unique individual who can achieve anything once I set my mind to it.” Review list of anythings achieved. Ignore the zero (haters!). Remind oneself that the coffee isn’t going to serve itself. Win!

Why even move to California if one can’t be faux-raged at all the things all the faux-constantly?

People own multiple cats for a reason. Just getting that out there.

Start here: Men only chase the girls who want to be caught. Srsly.

Next we’ll find out that he didn’t deliver gifts during the Viet Nam War.

Err... is the outrage that Putin secretly influenced an American presidential election and that type of behavior is normally reserved for multinational corporations?

Whew (wipes brow)... luckily it was only a fake hate crime. In other instances a fake situation like this can quickly fake escalate into a fake rape depending on the fake attackers and fake circumstances.

Trump’s America is the kind of place which grays-out people’s comments. Hint hint.

Err... you totally left out the part about how if you pay with cash the bartender gets their tips /that night/ rather than waiting until the following Tuesday or Wednesday as credit card tips have to first pass through a clearinghouse and then get posted out as cash or onto a check.

Err... you mean his cuck-cession “speech” (which will be a series of grunts and grimaces and pussy grabbing motions). Afterwards Madame President will reach into a side-drawer and return Herr Trump’s tiny, misshapen balls.

Two words: Inside job.

Err... people still watch Portlandia? How retro.

Oh gosh... another How to Adult Like an Adult article for (and from) the Special Snowflake crowd. Really looking forward to How to Breathe When Helicopter Mom Isn’t Nearby to Push Up and Down on One’s Chest.

Grand Foil Hat Party 101: When attempting to curry the favor of the Reptiloids always accuse the Haxx0rz.

People look at you and assume you can be funny. Wow, are they wayyyy off.