Because HE DIED

I mean, back then a good job likely could support most of that. Nowadays both spouses have to have good jobs just to afford a decent house and MAYBE have enough to support a kid.

I see. I suspected as much.

I’ve been on a couple of hen parties where there mother is there. On both occasions their mother knew me as a child and I struggled not to call them “Mrs [Whatever]”. Very disconcerting to get shitfaced through a penis straw with. 

My best friend got married a couple of years ago. She’s super low key and didn’t really want a hen do or a shower (just one of the many reasons she is an awesome best friend). A few mates took her out for dinner and drinks, but that was it. She kept telling me that she really just wanted to celebrate with her dad. He…

DETAILS OBSCURED FOR REASONS!

So twenty years ago, my cousin announces she’s getting married. Ok, cool. She’s having her bridal shower in a German social club somewhere in the mid west two days before the wedding. Ok, cool. I’m her maid of honor, but the groom’s mother has planned this, and I’m a broke college student,…

My own unasked-for bridal shower was so awkward (and also maybe the only one I’ve ever been to?) It was thrown by my work friends, who were acquaintances by my standards, but this was in Texas y’all and they were trying to be kind to this newly-engaged Yankee. It was dubbed a ‘lingerie shower’, which to this day is…

• Hello, I drink vodka because I like martinis.

Cuz that table you want is in Carla’s section and Carla’s on a smoke break, but if Carla comes back and finds Denise waiting on a table in her section there’s gonna be a murder. 

Farewell to the website who’s existence I just learned about in this post saying farewell. 

Cheese never sits long enough in my refrigerator to grow mold.

I’ve been saying it since the ‘90s - Any email (or FB message or w/e) that implores you to forward it to everyone you know (or love or care about) is some variety of hoax or scam and should under no circumstances be forwarded to anyone or anywhere except the trash bin.

In the circles I travel in, that’s what is known as the Floating $20. If you’re short one night, someone will spot you. They don’t ask you to pay them back. Instead, if someone else is short another time, spot them.

It’s also really insulting to the child to have people act like they’re a horrible burden on their poor parents.

My grandfather was going in blind to a double date. Neither couple worked out, but my grandfather asked his buddy if he could take a shot with the other woman. So they go out dancing, he makes sure they dance past a mirror so he can check out her ass. That week he asked her to marry him.

He’s not America’s husband, he’s Canadian and he belongs to us.

I liked him more when I heard less about him...

“‘Meghan got her attitude from her mother. Doria always told Meghan, ‘If they’re not doing anything for you, why should you do anything for them?’”

I worked as a back stage caterer for about 10 years, and cooked for Morrissey twice. The thing to remember about riders, is that usually the actual talent isn’t eating in the hospitality suite. They either stay in their dressing room and eat what we put in there, or at the hotel/takeout. Backstage food is for the…

This is a good subject to tease apart, compounded by those who eat faster than their table mates, especially their SOs or dates. There is a compulsion to stack one’s plates after finishing first, sort of a guilty nod to lack of self control obscured by some sort of distracting stab at efficiency, which in turn…