The significant others of awful people tend to have a fair few problems of their own, I suspect. You end up with a lot of relationships where terrible people are dating other terrible people. I may be desperately single but there are a whole heck of a lot of people I'm glad I'm not dating.

When I saw this movie, I was young/sheltered enough that I didn't yet know what jizz was, so I just got really...really...really confused. A few years later, it clicked in.

There. I fixed it for you.

Tina, stop trying to make Pierre du Jambon happen.

I have a huge list of things I like to masturbate before partaking in, including but not limited to: job interviews, flights, big presentations, exams, first dates, holiday parties, and any long car ride. But I also like to masturbate for any old reason, like "I am nude and my vagina is there and I have 10 minutes to…

I was with you until "skip the bacon." That string of words is meaningless.

Any Ayn Rand books on his bookshelf

My boyfriend once made up a bizarre story about needing to borrow three hundred dollars for insurance purposes. I got sick at work the day I loaned it to him, came home early, and discovered he had used my three hundred dollars to finance a meth fueled orgy.

jackrabbit sex. You know that sex where it's like they're masturbating but with your vagina.

What I'm most surprised by is how Vladimir Putin finds the time to referee. That guy is everywhere.

I don't know what I just read but it sounds like poetry written in the dirt.

Why is this person not gray? smh

Can we modify the toddlers to be miniature centaurs to avoid the sadness of child labor stuff?

I'm so disappointed right now that "meatplane" is just a nerdy word for real life, instead of an actual plane made of meat lashed together with intestines. If I were Satan, I would only fly on Meat Force One.

The biggest part I'm calling bullshit on is that he has a girlfriend.

I am not a paper clip I'm actually a binder clip.

The replies are pretty heartening

Sooooo, he proved that people on Jezebel are decent human beings. Wow. Score one for the MRA team... amirite.

I just realized Ursula PROBABLY uses Flotsam and Jetsam as dildos, and a piece of my innocence died.