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Guns and bad healthcare are maybe the two most definitive American traits, so you are actually not like Americans at all.

[well-adjusted human voice] “I mean who among us wouldn’t brutally beat a retiree because they inconvenienced us somewhat while driving to the store? And now that guy has blood all over his fish club, DID YOU EVEN CONSIDER THAT?!”

“You’ve got to eat fat to burn fat.”

*Sees that there is a sale on apples* “My word, this will send the price of oranges through the roof! What are they thinking!”

To be fair, the opposing team averaged about 3'4", so a pace and space roster would have played right into their hands.

I’ve been to the real Field of Dreams twice with my dad, the first of which was on our first Divorced Dad Road Trip. That movie opens up the Hoover Dam in my tear ducts.

After sleeping for a total of 6 hours over a bachelor party weekend, I got home and had a good cry to the friendship shown by the girls in Pitch Perfect. It was really Aca-motional.

If Bill Hamid has any chance of ever being the first choice keeper, you’d think this meaningless tournament would be the time to find out. Don’t see how he could be worse than Guzan, but if he is the MNT’s longterm prospects are not great.

“Fire X and try to find something better” is what you do right before you don’t find anything better. Arena isn’t sexy but the actual top XI has played relatively well since he took over. Top-tier international coaches don’t grow on trees, as seen from the fact that all but about 5 countries in the world are on a…

I would be perfectly happy with the constant, completely disproportionate coverage of Deulofeu so long as Deadspin posts 5 articles a year about every player that can’t keep a place in mediocre teams. Where’s my bi-monthly Adnan Januzaj update?!?

Bravo, extremely deep cut.

“So who are we trading for here?”

Well Actually Man saves the day again.

*comedian makes joke* Person with no sense of humor: “Excuse me sir, SIR, I do NOT find that funny NOR do I know what jokes are, so I request that you kindly sit down an be quiet.”

I know another guy who was great at sacrificing that got sent up where he would be closer to family...

Mark Wahlberg has assured ESPN that if he had been on the plane, he would have prevented the cancellation.

The Zzzzzzzzen Master

Somewhere in an alternate universe: “I feel a bit bad for Tebow. He obviously should have tried to make it in football. I know it is the Jets, but a .501 completion percentage isn’t that bad for a guy who hadn’t played football in years. If he can do that with relatively no training, what do you think he could be…

“Eat the WASPs!” - Hamilton Nolan