I too enjoy pricing human beings out of bodily functions.

It doesn’t sound like they couldn’t afford to have children though; just that they couldn’t afford to have one of the parents out of work.

Since windy days also sometimes mean tornadoes and hurricanes, god’s got a hella loud whisper, yo.

I spent my entire life hiding my freckles. I'm glad now to hear I'm suddenly cute.

The point of the story, though, is that they told her they couldn’t accommodate what she wanted (so they were very upfront about this), and she tried to bring in her own goddamn toaster.

Because Shutterstock photographers aren’t time-traveling wizards.

What is it with strange customers and soup? I never thought I’d have a story to contribute here because I’m a bookseller, but it turns out I’ve got one for you.

That is a beautiful piece of fabric that you have chosen to show, indeed, as are all fabrics. I salute you. Muslin, Jute, Chintzianity, Silkh, Buddcloth, even Satin worshipping, are all part of a broader cloth.

For the sake of poetic justice, I say we throw him in a pit of agitated black widow spiders.

God, we are going to get SO many examples of Pinkham’s Law this week.

Except for Kitchenette of course.

It’s just a regular pillow wearing a belt!

This is what happens when you elect a Hufflepuff to Parliament.

Wow. You know what this means...?

I cannot star this enough.

Gail Standish is my new best friend.

.....We aren’t talking about bullies, we are talking about people who claim to have guns killing all the black students on campus. That’s not about “letting anyone win”, it’s about not wanting to die, you dip. Don’t be fucking obtuse.

So cranky. So awkward. Crankward.

My Uber driver the other night, noticing that i was going home from the bars by myself, tried to convince me to go buy a book online that would teach me how to get any women to sleep with me.

I gave him and his stupid fucking newsboy cap 1 star.