Lady! As if God could be a mere woman. Are you going to try and tell me Jesus wasn’t blue eyed and fair skinned next?

Arnold Palmer leaves behind his wife Thelma, six children, 28 grandchildren, probably a pet or two, and a prescription to Xarelto which apparently doesn’t do shit.

Do not taunt 2016. He is a thin-skinned and cruel year, and there are still 3+ months yet.

It’s a similar story for me, except I learned English by listening to my mom talk. I remember hearing her say things as she changed my diaper like, “Oh, sweet Jesus” and “Why did I have you?”. Curiously, The look of hatred and obvious disgust on her face disgust made her THE ONLY PERSON I could understand. It was as…

Kristian Nairn... Wait. Do I have the wrong kind if bear?

Kid number one was a don’t look at me type. Kid number two would sing gibberish when he pooped. I guess what I’m saying is that I want to see a pitcher get a batter out and then taunt him by singing gibberish. Dittoo bappa doo ba dittoo bappa doo cow.

She also said she’d like to show us how to weave colorful Easter baskets using nothing but Donald Trumps hair.

It was too risky. The straight path to the locker room cuts directly through a day care.

Nope. I read it in Science Journal Biannual Weekly, where they determined that the reason these bird can’t fly is, and I quote, “Failure to apply oneself. AKA: Lazy as shits disease.”

You just have to go full feather and what that implies. Flying fucking T-Rex. And don’t come at me with this “but ostriches and kiwis can’t fly and they have feathers” bullshit. They can fly. They’re just lazy.

Needling? It’s called acupuncture. Although, I don’t understand why Cruz and Jenkins are doing it to Norman. Maybe their plan is to placebo him to death.

I’ve got a mix of All Clad and Cuisinart. Both are similar quality, but there is one place the Cuisinart crushes the All Clad. The handles. The All Clad handles fucking hurt. Every time I pick up the All Clad 12 Inch pan I feel this rage build. I want to drive to the All Clad headquarters and beat to death whoever…

I’ve got a mix of All Clad and Cuisinart. Both are similar quality, but there is one place the Cuisinart crushes the…

So because you never saw this happen then it never does?

First of all, if someone explains to you how systemic racism towards black people works, the proper response is not “Oh yeah, well what about black people being racist towards whites.”

If you’re an atheist where nobody really gives a fuck, then I would agree. But that’s not how the real world works. I was a closeted atheist in a religious community who’s school system had replaced their illegal morning prayer with a moment of silent meditation. The reality was that you better damn well look like…

Imagine how many lives could have been saved if mattresses had been piled up around the twin towers on 9/11. WHERE WERE THESE PEOPLE THEN!

The shots of the car just show how unnecessary that whole Blackbird thing is.

Caillou is terrible, but my brain can mostly tune it out when it’s on. The Mickey Mouse Clubhouse is psychological torture.

I wan’t him to go with the terrible Mickey Mouse Clubhouse theme song. And before he puts a submission move on someone he should yell to no one in particular “Oh Toodles!” That way I will have finally gotten some ounce of pleasure out of the show who’s cable description reads “Like Dora, but way shitier”.