I remember when my first son was learning to walk. Every time he stumbled and fell, I would scream “You blew it!” He seemed to think I was kidding and would laugh hysterically. In fact, I suspect the little shit started falling on purpose.

Like my kindergarten bus driver! He would sit us on his lap and let us steer. Only one kid ever left the road, but his name was Clarence, so, you know. I never had another bus driver who was so interested in children, letting us drive, and always giving us candy. I remember being totally confused as to why they fired…

I was going to give him a pass on this because I don’t understand what the fuck he’s saying.

What? Was I just supposed to sit on the knowledge that Richard Kiel once worked as a cemetery plot salesman? This is knowledge that can really help people, you know, make the world a better place. It would have been irresponsible for me to not respond to my own comment as quickly as I learned the truth. Imagine if I…

It’s not racist because his black friend was involved. Duh. And his black friend plays hockey, not basketball or spades, so they are truly bucking trends. Quite progressive, really.

What? Ever heard of “Kellogg’s Rice Krispies”? Well then surely you remember General Mills answer to that, “Pinto Bean Poppies”.

What! They put the key on the left! But I’m right handed. I never thought I’d find myself agreeing with Trump, but, fuck this car.

I’ll never forget that in Jemaine Clement’s first introduction to Americans he was forced to lower himself to playing a dirty Aussie. Truly sad times. I remember, weirdly, finding him charming in these commercials. When I found out he was form New Zealand, it all made sense.

Thanks! I worked really hard on this, and I actually consulted with some children for this work. It was they who advised me to put some lines behind the guy on the swing to simulate motion. it really brings the picture to life. They also really liked the two men “dancing” in the temple! They then discussed the merits…

An artist’s rendition:

Really.

Wrong approach. We need to let kids know that it’s OK to hit things. It’s perfectly natural. Everyone doses it. If you damage the car, we’ll just get a new one. If you hit a person, don’t worry. They’ll understand. It’s all part of growing up.

I’m more of a Chitty Chitty Bang Bang man. I can’t believe how racist, sexist and vulgar that sounds.

I love those foot warmers! there’s nothing more comforting on a long trip than feeling like you’re slowly being eaten alive by a Muppet.

I thought a delaminator would just get rid of all the lamb killing devices I already have?

I thought a delaminator would just get rid of all the lamb killing devices I already have?

I’m not sure people here are aware of his existence. I actually googled “tomato troll” to make sure that was an actual thing before I commented.

What’s that? Some sort electric powered sheep killing machine? I’ll have to look into that.

What’s that? Some sort electric powered sheep killing machine? I’ll have to look into that.

Hot take! Like a really hot tomato sauce.

Don’t be fooled. This Laminator is not the ultimate weapon for disposing of sheep you were expecting. It broke on the first one, and left me naked and staring down an angry ewe with a bump on it’s head. Total waste of 16 bucks. 1 Star.

Don’t be fooled. This Laminator is not the ultimate weapon for disposing of sheep you were expecting. It broke on…

My body was not designed in a way that I ever experienced anything resembling a symphony running the 400. Maybe a guy falling off a cliff making noises with his hand in his armpit landing in a pit of razor wire Tabasco sauce, and accordions. I never though “Why the fuck am I doing this?” I did think “I am going to…