And one of the best alternate realities-

“Now you will pay for giving us 4 goddamn Alvin and the Chipmunks movies!”

This is why I keep all my money inside my mattress.

I remember the rush of being a 12 year old able to prove he was 25. Low-res cartoon breasts are still breasts.

Spencer’s was the store my mother wouldn’t let me go in, but when I was able to get to the mall by myself, it was on. Back scratchers shaped like a lady’s breast on me!

He can take solace in the fact that he’s not the Dale that had the worst day. Poor Dale.

No wings necessary.

Are you sure? I could swear I saw that monkey on an episode of 20/20 charged with running one largest underground computer hacking clubs in the world. I suppose it could have been a different monkey.

Wow. Everything about those is amazing. The look. The names. The super high ride. Hopefully, little Opie Cunningham never had to make a trip to the ER after slipping of the front seat.

The worst booze you’ve never tasted came from my kitchen. I was in England for a while and had inherited a bunch of two liters of hard cider. This is the only alcohol I’d ever come across that I would deem undrinkable. It was foul stuff. Not wanting it to go to waste, I built a little still and distilled it in the…

I will not give up on my dream of one day owning a ten speed bicycle with a gated shifter.

To me, saying you find these types of beers disgusting is like saying you find Sprite disgusting. Yes, sometimes you want to drink Mama Jenkins Cane Sugar Sassafras Garum Fizzy Lifting Tonic, and Sometimes you just want a Sprite.

In other news, the Knicks have just signed a familiar looking, but ultimately unknown player, who goes by the name “O.J. Miracle Whip”.

I remember watching a show where they were reintroducing to the wild an orphaned black bear by sticking him in with another bears litter. Normally, a bear will reject any cub that doesn’t belong to her, so they took all the cubs out of the den and smeared them with Vicks VapoRub. When mama bear came back, the scent…

If we all just went back to riding horses, we’d never have to worry about this problem again.

I can’t. My one friend (who’s totally real, he just lives in Canada) might get jealous.

I wouldn’t brag about only having two friends.

This is a view of the Tesla in question from the back. I’m so sick of all these goddamn middle aged punks driving through my neighborhood blasting Harry Potter at 1 A.M. Some of us are Tolkien fans.

As it was foretold in Harry Potter and the Deathly Invisible Turning Truck.