If brands/marketing departments are too stupid and lazy to do their due diligence before signing contracts with these faux influencers, that’s on them.  Stupidity and laziness have consequences.  

Look at this guy who can spend 15 minutes on a hungover Saturday morning not eating pizza.

Like everything else in St. Louis, their pizza is an abomination unto our lord and savior.

In college triscuts (store brand) cream cheese and pickled jalapeno slices was dinner, entirely too frequently.

“This has never happened to me before!”

If they didn’t want me mixing booze and drugs, they shouldn’t have given me drugs now, should they?  That’s on them.

Architecture has to be in the top 5 of paper wasting industries...especially working in an old school office like I do where we print everything and make copies of everything. Where even the copies have copies.... It’s ridiculous. I took it upon myself to take off cuts of giant prints home as scrap paper for the kids…

Frozen pizza is ass whether it’s hot and “fresh”, or cold.

I got a Snofrisk once. But the crack Swedish investigators didn’t find anything.

Yeah I don't know how reheated Chinese food didn't make it on here

Hey, it’s 2019...

Mexican and any type of sandwich need to be eaten when served, ditto for french fries or mozzarella sticks - once they get cold, there’s not much you can do to revive them.

that a “Do not consume alcohol with this medication” label on a prescription bottle is self-enforced about as often as Taco Bell employees washing their hands before returning to work.

I once was attempting to robo-trip with my college girlfriend - y’know drinking way too much robotussin so that we could fry balls (not recommended!) - and we ended up at a Fazolis. My spaghetti proceeded to mouth the words my girlfriend was speaking and I’ve never, ever come close to wanting to eat that again.

I figured out that sneezing trick when I was a kid with a piece of string. As an adult I use a coffee stir stick (that I’ve used and then discard), if I ever feel I need to clear out my head. I’ve been told there was a reason for humans being able to do this but fuck if I remember what.

One day, some enterprising café owner will start offering cream cheese toast as an alternative to avocado toast, and then it’ll take off and then Bloomberg will tweet some shit like, “Millennials could afford cancer surgery if they didn’t spend so much every month on cream cheese toast!” That’s all coming. For now,…

Twenty years from now I’m gonna forget how to use a fucking fork. “What IS this doohickey?

As a single person, the first tier of leftovers are those that can be eaten cold. You know, for breakfast. Thus, any chicken is tops with pizza in second, depending on the pizza. A poor example: DiGiorno’s. Tasty hot; like chewing on a sponge cold.