Oh God forbid he accepted a 50 cent piece of fucking plastic. Nevermind that the BAA literally dumps out thousands of them every year (because they obviously make plenty of extras). The humanity of it all. Totally worthy of an article on deadspin.

The bottom line is that bandits were welcomed by the BAA for years. I don't give a shit what the rules said, the volunteers welcomed them with open arms as they would any runner. Now after Goofus and Gallant blew up the marathon they changed their policies. Therefore the terrorists won. Boston Strong!!!

Again: if you fooled a school and actually went through every single class and learned everything not having a piece of paper doesn't make you unlearn all those things. All it means is the right people didn't get their cut in the process.

"People cheated."

How the fuck is it cheating? Please explain to me that logic. Name one person who finished the marathon and didn't get a medal. I'm waiting.

Yea because a bandit might be carrying an atomic fucking bomb on their backs fro 26 miles. The fact that they're scared of bandits proves once and for all that the rallying cry "Boston Strong" is absolutely meaningless and is only used to sell t shirts.

when the fuck did social media become the vehicle for "pride"? Pride is a feeling, not an action (posting shit to facebook is an action).

Seriously. Can we not go all Anonymous on them for what amounts to a very unimportant crime?

Of course they found a bib posted on Instagram, because no one enjoys self-congratulatory back-patting more than marathon runners. Besides, what makes these four bozos any worse than the hundreds, if not thousands, who have done the same thing at this and similar events over the years? I'm all for a good internet…

This would be exactly like claiming you were on the offensive line on the '71 Colts, if you also actually played the entire season playing on the offensive line but just used someone else's jersey number. Turns out that they had zero effect on the rest of the competition, especially since their times wouldn't even…

No, you shouldn't sneak into a movie or a ball game because those places provide a product. Running a marathon on city streets is not quite the same.

Except for the fact that they did run the race, and accomplished the same damn thing as "the ones who actually competed."

1) They're no more of a security risk in the middle of the street running as they are on the sidewalk next to the street.

Nope. It's a counterfeit tank top from the real Lauren's Instagram photo

Filed to: Things That Make White People Mad

How is that a "real issue"? I certainly don't give a fuck about that.

I believe the majority of people wearing "storied" franchise jerseys at games are dipshit out-of-towners who moved to Denver but still want to represent their hometown. That doesn't mean seeing a Hawks jersey at an Avs/Canes game is any less irritating. Denver is a city of transplants (looking at you Chicago/LA) who…

This right here is a brilliant piece of satire.

As a dad I'll say that (in my experience, others' mileage will vary) for every one of these "hellish" experiences that Drew writes up in a humorously exaggerated manner there are many, many times more fantastic moments that quite honestly top anything I ever experienced before becoming a dad.

Snakes on a plane?