I travel 100K/year and can’t sleep on planes so I spend a lot of time awake on aircraft. Don’t know if that sounds like expertise or sadness, but there’s my bona fides for what follows.

I prefer my steaks medium-rare to medium depending on the cut. But I am well familiar with the fact that, if you like your steak well done and you want it to be moist not dry, make it sous vide. The moisture stays in there no matter what temp you cook it at.

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Played goal for pretty much every sport I ever played. Hockey drills included what I called the “squash court drill” where I would stand on the outside of the glass at the back of the court and someone inside the court would serve a ball into the glass at head-height to train me not to flinch.

You’d think these assholes would be happy that there’s finally a Niners QB who convinces someone else to get on their knees.

When you call an ambulance and it wasn’t an emergency, hospitals know how to charge you(r insurance). So this is a thing that can be done.

Order only salads. That way you’ll spend the whole meal hoping your salad gets tossed while you’re in the bathroom.

What human being in the United States could possibly not know Sacha Baron Cohen after Borat?

I haven’t seen the NBA’s CBA but suspect you’re right.

He’s also just wrong as a matter of law. If your employer attempts to compel you to engage in political speech that’s a pretty clear employment law issue. If your employer says “if you don’t want to engage in my compelled speech you are free not to speak, but you may not speak a message different than the one I want…

Maybe it’s the Guitar Hero version. You know, “as made famous by Joan Jett” but actually sung by a cover band called “Joan’s Jetts” from rural Kansas.

Every one of her MMA fights except the first one, this was the song she came out to.

I don’t know how the hell these depressing stories became your beat to cover, but thanks for everything you do to cover them.

And yet none of these is either of my favorite Onion blogs.

How much stuff do you need to carry that you want saddlebags on your shorts, is where I net out.

This is in Vegas in July. The whole place is a desert and it’s hotter than the surface of the sun outside. Cargo shorts are shameful in general, that’s the appropriate take.

One candidate, who was successful, was actually a real-life Washington lobbyist.

“Atia of the Julii, I call for justice!”

If someone would screw incels that would solve a lot of problems, actually...

This is very strange timing (admittedly not all that strange because Trump) considering that Maslenjak v. US held pretty clearly that fraud in a naturalization application has to have been material to the grounds for which you were granted naturalization in order to revoke naturalization. As in: lying on the form…