I don't care. As long as Mr. S is still out there chugging Bud Ice and running naked through the woods on his lunch break.

Far too contemporary to make this list, but I always love this one. Robert Earl Keene's "Merry Christmas from the Family":

Fuck Rudolph as a song. Dude gets shit on his whole life and then he's all a hero because he did a bunch of blow on Christmas Eve? If I were Rudy, I'd tell everyone, including my fatass boss, to go fuck themselves and try to fly that sleigh without me and my magic nose. Rudolph is a tragic character who should have…

Oh shut up.

I had hoped for some Tribe Called Quiche.

You'd better watch out, you'd better jump high

If I knew these kids, their nicknames would be Beef, Rusty and Georgia respectively.

This is like a "Key & Peele" skit for white folks.

"Nice spirals."

He's just an unfrozen caveman, unaware of your societal expectations that he be angry at mild violence.

I heard that the Virginia state legislature just came back in session just to change the speeding rules so that you'll bring your vacation dollars back!!! It's on CNN right now!

I guess... I mean, don't speed? Like...must that *actually* be reiterated to people? "oh, you mean I'm not allowed to do this thing that would have instantly failed my driver's test? I had no idea..."

You guys are milking this shit for all it is worth, huh?

Of course I don't. I have built up a natural immunity, strengthened by nuts, berries, vitamins, and regular sessions with an E-meter. I'd like to see the Autism virus try to penetrate the defenses of my temple.

Let me get this straight, some kind-hearted Jaguars fan went out of his way to make sure that this couple didn't have to spend a weekend in Jacksonville and somehow he's the bad guy?

The Ohio Satan University.

Professional punters are not eligible for this list, so I'll get you on it ASAP.

I demand inclusion on that list. Everyone knows I can kick it over those mountains, and we would've won State if they just put me in during the 4th quarter.

But RGIII is full of fine products like Gatorade and Subway, why is his performance suffering?