Confused, gentle apes? That would be my tribe of the Aspergians of whom you speak. We do, indeed, lack a functional understanding of society, and we like lists and a straightforward, unambiguous tone.

One of the best hockey games I ever saw, period.

Oh look, more wealthy and privileged people telling me to relax more. You know what's good for getting you plenty of time to relax and chill out? Wealth and privilege. The rest of us have to work for a living and don't need to hear any fatuous advice on the virtues of the simple life from someone who employs a stylist…

The other kitten looks far too happy given that his head is being chewed upon.

Does "grown-up ballads" mean old standards? Cos I would totally buy that album. If it means "pop shite that was focus-grouped with forty year olds instead of seventeen year olds", I'll pass.

That $250 skin cream that comes with the "platinum eye massager" is blowing my mind. I've updated my Facebook status offering all my female friends four ounces of Vaseline Intensive Care in a fancy little bottle plus an electroplated gold spoon, for a mere $50 (that's 80% savings!)

Jalopnik: the only website where a mere official coroner's report and accident investigation is insufficient evidence to prove that driving a convertible at 100 mph on a road not designed for high-speed travel just might be fatally dangerous.

Meh. Even if you were to take away my pot boobs, my torso and abdomen would still be nowhere near "Display in public"-worthy, so I'll have a toke and a shirt, thanks.

Hello, this is Technical Support You Deserve, at your non-service.

Yes, this is why I have cats. They show me how to live. (Also, they are warm and snuggly.)

This.

Or you could get married in the Justice of the Peace's living room for $100 with your best friends as witnesses. I assure you from personal experience, this makes you just as married as any more expensive procedure would, and a hell of a lot less broke.

And it features MY CAT!!! Or at least the original Shadows of Amn did. In the inn at Saradush.

Yeah, OK, I'm officially over being sorry I never went to college.

Actually I think this about my adult cat, whom I adore, often: "One day you will die and break my heart, kitty cat." Yeah, I'm a gloomy motherfucker.

Oh, nonononono. You misunderstand. See, sexual objectification is OK if Jezebel is doing it.