sounds like someone couldn't make it out of the Midwest like the more successful kids he grew up with.

Don't be so hard on the guy, you know he has trouble with the speedball.

You're the one who should be penalized for taunting us with this terrible article. You might want to start reading things out loud to yourself before you post them. Did you go to Oregon for your undergrad?

God damn mouthbreathers and their portrait videos!

God damn, the way he's guzzling you'd think there were young boys in that cup.

That pitch could have used some mustard.

Someone should tell him that he doesn't have to go all the way to London to avoid Pacquiao.

20% of that was earmarked for Sochi Bear.

He models his managerial style after Homer Simpson waking up from a nap to frantically push buttons on the nuclear reactor when someone opens the door.

In other news: Thousands of people throughout middle America suffer from simultaneous heart attacks after witnessing a Muslim man score a touchdown on MNF. ISIS is blamed.

Immediately after the game J.J. Watt threatened to stop winning games for the Texans if Fitzpatrick doesn't start telling the truth in his pregame speeches.

I don't know exactly how many problems we have in this world but you seem dumb enough to qualify as one.

I can't wait till those Cards show everyone how to open beers the right way.

A little bit.

Sexton Godshaw! Bravo!

Save that for your boy Simmons, he's the white boy, not me.

I will, once Simmons learns how to pry himself off of Boston's penis long enough to be a legitimate journalist. He has the voice of a pre-pubescent boy and the fanboy persona to match.

Perhaps hooliganism is more your taste?

That little homer POS wouldn't have had the same reaction if Ray Rice had played for the Patriots. Fuck Simmons.

"...the story has taken a bizarre turn."