“All I’m sayin’ is that Gronk used to play basketball in high school and he would be the most dominant guy to evah step onto a basketball court at the professional level!”

TAHM BRADY

And if another asshole from the northeast who spends most of his time playing childish games realized he didn’t belong in the White House either we wouldn’t be in this situation.

the only thing i care about in football is when the winning team lines up to gently kiss the tip of the president’s penis and receive a championship muffin

“The year before that they was wearing trash bags”

Actually, he’s a Spur.

I’m more upset by the fact that they didn’t go with “Uncle Drewniverse.” RIGHT THERE, LOU.

Don’t you have a Paul Finebaum rant to prepare?

Republicans can’t see black people if they’re not rich. That’s why they all noticed Kaep.

My god, Texas is in a perpetual one-upmanship contest with itself to elect the floppiest white guy possible. Their next two governors will be a tray of Vanilla Jell-O, followed by an actual quivering lump of semen.

Wait, are you talking about other people? Why would you care about what happens to other people?

Did you get to keep all fifty bucks, or did you have to spend some on Officially Licensed Apparel?

Today I learned Kansas State was a “world-class university”.

Sorry dude, but this is a ridiculous, overly simplistic argument and you should feel bad for making it.

Yeah, what kind of sports website would cover the most famous player of the most popular sport in North America?

Yes, this 10,000-word profile of Tom Brady on a whole different website definitely proves that we at Deadspin are obsessed with Tom Brady.

Anyone who is complaining that a poorly shaped Pizza Hut pizza “ruined” their Valentine’s Day has an extremely different values system than I do.

Anyone that lives in a decent size city and orders Papa John’s, Domino’s, etc. over independent joints deserve what they get. Most cities have a decent pizza place, no one should ever have to subject themselves to this shit...

Well, this is the definition of an unanswerable question. But what the hell...