Hi, I'm 73-time sportsball champion Dirk Largensturg. You know, in my years with the North American Team Play Association, I've learned a thing or two about throwing field punts and touchdowning home plates. That's why I hate abortion. Abortion is like throwing to a guy who isn't in position to catch the ball, except…

Here's to hoping Peyton Manning does his part to keep Planned Parenthood up and running in OMAHA, OMAHA, OMAHA!!!

Can Tim Tebow just go away? Please?

Only Brad Paisley is allowed to suck at a Brad Paisley concert!

I'm completely not buying this. The way surveillance tapes work is that they are copied over unless something happens and you have a need for them. No one would have tapes from 2004. Just would not happen.

I would say, based on my (granted, fairly limited) experience in a semi-high-end hotel restaurant with really cool decor, that the constant instagramming and picture taking definitely adds some time to the meal.

That one did some squeaky mews, and they all did much adorable camera-snootling, and I was just about lulled into d'awww preshush giant keedees! mode when every single one of them went off all I WILL FUCKING SLAUGHTER THAT MEATBALL GIVE IT BITCH. Eeep. Poor beautiful things, at least they were rescued from a life…

Women like Megyn Kelly, who spout insane regressive drivel that only serves to harm their own gender in return for a paycheck, make you realize why Dante dedicated the lowest circle of Hell to the traitorous.

I like to imagine that roar made this sound:

Kitty Perry...you're gonna hear me raaaaaaaaaarrrrr!

raaaaaarrrrrrrrrr!

That's the best screencap from any news story ever.

Imma let you finish, but the original attack cat had the best family 911 call ever. I love the transcription.

I think any prosecutor who ever has reason to utter the phrase "Your honor, we move that this 17-year-old boy's penis be forcibly injected with drugs" should probably be disbarred automatically.

gotta make child porn to stop child porn

Wait, so maybe it's not a good idea to replace our police force with rogue vigilantes hiding behind creepy masks?

I can't wait until his minions start with their completely incorrect understanding of freedom of speech. Everyone should be armed with this.