Staples schmaples.... We need to talk about the FedEx arrow.

I got invited to participate in a gifting suite for the tune of $5k. That’s right: I’d pay $5k to give my shit away for free to people who don’t need it. This is all I could picture:

“I got the part in the Jem movie! This is my big break, Mom... I’m going to be a STAR!!!”
- Every actress in this movie

Yea, my sister and I are estranged from my father and when my sister got married, his new wife had the nerve to throw a hissy fit, demanding to know why he wasn’t asked to walk her down the aisle. We basically laughed in her face and were like, “You guys aren’t even invited. This wedding is for people who love and…

Sorry guys, it was me. I put a hex on her all those years ago when she lied about having cancer.

Nope, it’s basic manners and respect. If someone doesn’t want to dance that dance, I’ll be over here, schmoozing with the well mannered, high class folks while you do the social equivalent of wearing jean shorts to a formal affair.

Edit: Just look at the current housing crisis in Portland if you want to see the stark different between those who pinched their pennies away vs those who thought that savings and good credit weren’t important because they had historically been about to rent on a part-time barista income. It’s a shit show.

Can they use part of the Scream Queens budget to get Emma Roberts an acting coach? Please?

That’s it; I’m officially opting out of being on trend and am starting a cult of women in high quality, all-black basics. You’re all invited to join me....

Shhhhh... Don’t let the teens read this or you’ll surely kill his career.

After my parents divorced ~1999, my dad’s first clothing purchases as a bachelor were (and I kid you not):
- a pair of JNCO jeans
- sunglasses with yellow lenses

It was honestly the worst thing about my parents’ otherwise totally normal & friendly divorce.

My thought as well. “Yuck. Those feminists... Always trying to stomp on my pro-rape beliefs!”

• Dean McDermott is a “deadbeat dad.”

“...they arrived at the event in a spray painted Rolls Royce, and even carried around Moschino branded cans of fake spray paint during the event, as if defendants were responsible for the artwork.”

[insert reaching gif here]

You’re soooooo analog. ;)

I’m not writing this to be snarky, but you can hit Option + 2 and you’ll get the ™ symbol (it’s something else for non-MACs but it’s still doable).

If I can somehow get married before my kid-hating dog passes away, I’ll just use her as the excuse to not have any children at my wedding. I imagine the invite would have a footnote along the lines of:
“As her most loyal friend, [Dunnae’s Dog] will be participating in the wedding. As such, we regretfully cannot invite…

The fact that people are even fucking considering this gorilla is a testament to how sad, sad, sad dating has become.

I think part of their training is to ALWAYS correct you, no matter how you order. “I’d like a grande whole milk latte with an extra shot & 3 raw sugars, please.” “Oh you would like a triple grande whole milk three raw sugar latte?” “Sure.” (Enjoy your tip)