A personal stylist and all the turquoise in the southwest. I’d be the Imelda Marcos of squash blossom necklaces...

I can only imagine the ways the realtor danced around explaining those features...

I tell people that it takes me 30 minutes to apply all my sunscreen (because fuck spray-on sunscreen) and they laugh. And then 29 minutes later while they’re still waiting for me, they finally understand...

Yes, my dog will be at my wedding (if/when) because she hates children and I can deliberately make the whole event child-free and blame it on her.

Honest to goodness, all she had to do was start a synchronized clap until the entire crowd joined in. That’s Unruly Crowd Management 101, Nancy....

As my mom was driving my sister and me to school (we were both under 9 y/o at the time), we passed by a neighbor lady walking down the street with a suitcase and her dog. We lived in a really remote neighborhood in the hills so someone walking to town was odd. My mom pulled the car alongside the woman and asked if she…

I bleach my hair platinum blonde and show up for a touch up with at least 3-day unwashed hair.* Anything less and my scalp will tingle and itch for days. Every single stylist I’ve been to has been empathetic and just rolled with it.


*I don’t shampoo daily anyway so that’s not a huge stretch for me

My ex got angry at me because I wouldn’t enter our unlocked storage unit to retrieve something for him (it’s in our low-lit shared condo basement). The entrance is normally locked and because something was amiss, I wasn’t about to enter it alone and female. As a 6’4” strong white man, he just didn’t understand the…

Do Quentin Tarantino next!

Spoiler: I totally would out of sheer curiosity...

I had cancer in my mid-20s. I’ve already experienced my own body trying to kill me, so flying isn’t scary to me at all.

That’s pretty much the exact reaction my brain had at the moment.

During a recent transaction, an elderly woman handed me a twenty and said, with eyes a’twinklin’ “Did you hear they might put a woman on the 20 dollar bill? I’d love to see that before I go...” And then we both melted into a puddle of feelings.

Holy fuck, your comment made me laugh out loud.

Seriously. I wonder what the comment section would have looked like in 2008 when everyone self-policed the snark.

As someone who has been teetering dangerously close to a Little Edie/ Big Edie relationship with my mother, I totally get ya LiLo.Firm boundaries make everyone happy.

Having drinks with Dolly Parton would be a religious experience.

There’s also Laura Gibson, a well known Portland musician who lost everything (including all her instruments and five years’s worth of writing):

Tip enough so you don't spend the rest of the day worrying that you didn't tip enough. Usually it's only an extra $5, which well worth the headache and awkwardness saved.

NYC, July 4th, 2006. I have the world’s worst UTI, courtesy of sex with my boyfriend (who I increasingly cannot stand). He wants to go to a rooftop party in the LES for fireworks. I try my hardest to be a trooper and go along with him. I make it about four stops before the shards of glass start dancing in my urethra…

I remember that she was outted by Perez Hilton a few years back. I wonder if being forced to publicly address something so personal has anything to do with her dialing back her presence...