Wait til you hit your 40s! It’s glorious, it looks like this:

I’d tell those folk to fuck off and get out there and really fight for LGBT rights instead of this bullshit where we think entertainment properties are the battleground for that. Finn is black, yet they’re still killing unarmed black men in this country. Rey is a woman, yet women still get paid less and law makers are…

Hey! That’s not nice! We’re not all like that!

How is this putting us in an awkward position. I'm truly sorry he went through such a horrific ordeal, but he's still an idiot for pressing for this nonsense line of reasoning. Is he advocating that teachers now need to be in the position of making life or death decisions in an already high pressure situation.…

you bastard. take that shit somewhere else. this is a peaceful little town we got here.

War on Peas: The Guacamole Battles.

Those are direct quotes and, as such, belong in quotation marks.

I loved being single. I loved being married with no kids. I love my kids. Being married with kids is fucking exhausting. Sometimes someone does that “ if you were ever widowed. Would you remarry.....” HELL FUCKING NO I WOULD NOT. White furniture and giant nightgowns ahoy. I’ll take one dog and two cats pls.

As another perpetual single this is something that I’m dying to know as well.

How is everyone tonight? I’m feeling super accomplished and adult-y. I’m starting my new job on Monday, so I spent all day prepping meals and they smell delicious and I want to eat them all.

I would not, could not in a house.

To me, what it comes down to is this:

One time, my friend’s brother’s cousin’s neighbor’s sister’s stepdaughter’s boyfriend was walking by a park wearing a baseball cap, and the next thing you know, he was captured, forced to play short stop for six months, and then won the World Series.

I am confused. Why would I force a person to play basketball with me if he/she was dressed like a basketball player? Does that happen? Forced basketballery?

I believe Scalia was murdered by shape shifting reptilian aliens, in order to prevent him from revealing that not only were the moon landings faked, but the moon itself is a holographic illusion that camouflages a giant alien space station beaming deadly waves of homosexuality down to the Earth. Which, by the way, is…

But wait! How could Sharia spread through the U.S. any faster than it already is? Think about it: Obama gave that one speech at that mosque, you can find a falafel place in most mid-sized cities, and...and...and Starbucks had those red Christmas cups last December. Terrifying possibility my ass, Jones, everyone knows…

That’s the dumbest thing. The internet is pretty freaking universal. My mother is 70 and is online all the damn time to read articles, find recipes, look at cat pictures. You know the same shit the rest of us do here. That kind of utterly baseless ageism really irks me.

Paprika ninjas begone.

WE ARE SUPER SOUL TWINS! Yes to allllll of this! The no-makeup, because who has time and I never learned how anyway. The hair, because I hate having it in my face but I like having long hair, the swimsuit body, the whole thing! I have a bikini body because I put a bikini on it. My fellow Jersey Shore beachgoers don’t…

“The pods are also clogging up a landfill somewhere, since I can’t really recycle them when they’re full of coffee grounds.”