Yesterday 32:45 AM

This is NOT ok.

I cannot begin to understand. I'm very happy with my B cups... I used to want bigger boobs, but I've come to realize what a pain in the ass they really are from my more well endowed friends!

This isn't me, but it was a guy I was dating at the time. We had vermicelli for dinner. There was one little dried bit of vermicelli stuck to the botom of the pot. Boyfriend, who was always cleaning pots and pans with his hands first to "save sponges" (WTF even is that) was cleaning it and decided to scrape the piece…

How are you still alive?!

this is awesome Shrayber fan fic.

Was his best friend named Stacy?

One vote in favor of calling it "Haberdasher's Fuckery"!

It probably means you're a better person than I am, because I'm going to say there is no way in hell they were too lazy. They'd have to be both lazy and have olfactory nerve damage to not notice grandma had kicked it downstairs. I hope you've never smelled a decaying body, because I have and it's nothing I'd wish on…

Pretty sure she's angling for an appearance on the show Botched. A show that I inexplicably love, and I don't want her sullying it. She's no Janice Dickinson.

You'll notice that she has no lid on her drink while her "gal pal" does have a lid on her drink. I think we all know what that means.

I want a thermos with "I have an educational blog" printed on it. I feel like that would get me as close as I can get to greatness.

"I have an educational blog" has to be a close second to "I sell monogrammed thermoses," right?

I can't lie: I checked out as soon as I hit the word "cuddle" in the first bullet point. "Cuddle" is the "moist" of relationship words. *cringes*

That may have been my dad.

Once I ordered a pizza from Domino's from a location that I assumed was by my house because I just looked at the street name and not the area (the street extends several neighborhoods.) I had to drive fifteen minutes to that location because I felt like a doofus and didn't want to waste a perfectly good pizza.

I'm the manager at Fancy Kitchen Store in Upscale Suburban Mall, Calif.

"Oh! Well! Looks like you found those bread rolls after all. Wasn't that hard, was it?"

Hey there, Jonathan Mizukami...