For the benefit of all moms, future moms, and happily child-free friends of moms, I will share the words of my amazing pediatrician when it became clear that breastfeeding was not going to work for me and my son despite my increasingly frantic efforts:

None of those things are body hair. That's all head and face hair. Do you actually like body hair? Like, everywhere? As a guy, I'm curious. I'll add that I rather like a little manscaping because it makes me feel cleaner (and frankly, I do it for myself and don't much care about approval), although I go back and…

But not Texas!!! Haha haha yeehaw!! I'm gonna go shoot my gun to celebrate!! (Not really.)

No! Please god ladies, give us another chance. Btw, I've seen her work and this woman is a goddamned blow job artist. I will never understand bros who get the privilege of dating someone who most of us will never even get to be in the same room with and then treat them like shit. Also, I grew up in a house with…

So we're done with blow jobs now, right? Wrap it up, ladies, the bros have spoken.

I'm going to compare other celebrities to grains:

How about TheImportanceOfBeingQuinoa?

If it's a legitimate abortion clinic, the GOP has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.

As a fellow R******* fan, allow me to jump in and offer a tepid defense of these "dull-witted" fans. We like a football team. That's supposed to be a diversionary experience. None of us wants our fandom to become a lightning rod for controversy, we just want to root for our terrible football team and that's it. …

Like a cyclops with two extra eyes

Because this post shouldn't run without this virtuoso bit from last night's LWT:

"BIG FUN with the Wretched!" is by far my favorite Clair rant ever. (I know that's not the name of the actual episode.)

OH YEAH WELL YOU'RE PROBABLY A STUCK UP NYC SNOB IM IN FINANCE AND I GET THOUSANDS OF HOTTER TONSILS THAN YOURS EVERY WEEK GET OVER YOURSELF

NO HE PUT HIS HAND ON MY CEILING HIS GROSS HANDPRINT IS STLL THERE IDK HOW TO GET IT OFF???

They should give Jessica Williams from the daily show her own show because she is a DELIGHT! I would watch the hell out of that.

Wardrobe should include: Driving mocs, Barbour coat, Half-Zips (at least 3, please send pics if possible), Ray-Bans (Wayfarers or Clubmastesr preferred, but open to other styles), loafers, Patagonia vest(s), Vineyard Vines, basketball shorts for me to sleep in

My sister's friend had seven abortions working at home for Google!!! Click to learn more!!!

Are we sure shes not talking about one of her cats that shes named Gordon Ramsay? Because I can totes see her naming one of her many, many cat-children Gordon Ramsay and denying it cat-mother-sex and calling it harassment.