It’s like us lapsed Catholics getting ready to nail the “and also with you” only to hear everyone else say “and with your spirit” or whatever. You’ve picked the easiest part to demonstrate your in-groupness, but totally faceplant the landing.

The trick is to mouth the word “watermelon” at different speeds without fully enunciating.

This joke is older than Danny Almonte was during the 2001 LLWS.

Carol Sharrow was charged with manslaughter in the death of 68-year-old Douglas Parkhurst

“Vengeance is mine,” saith the Ford.

News of a man dying on a little league field was especially terrifying for Danny Almonte’s family.

There is a show on TLC called Fat Chance (overweight people lose weight in hopes of attracting the people they have crushes on). Keep your head up.

Maybe someone could check his Collar ID.

“Diaz had already touched the plate and should have moved off towards first to make his throw.”

Maybe, considering how often the Cubs play to injure their opponents, the solution is to wing that fastball at Maddon rather than Rizzo. A fish rots from the head.

This is incredible. I guess I always suspected something like this could happen but to actually see it still sort of amazes.

At second, the fielder at least can see the threat coming. Blindside bullshit like this, knowing full well that going after the legs is illegal BECAUSE it’s dangerous, is an overt attempt to injure. Fuck Rizzo, fuck Maddon, fuck the Cubs, and fuck the mouthbreathers who defend this shit. Oh, and fuck the on-field and…

This joke was doomed to be underappreciated from the moment you thought of it.

Nope. I’m actually a cat walking across a keyboard. Also, what the fuck is “baseball”?

He changed his pathway for the purpose of initiating contact. He is out 4 steps before he gets to the base. The fielder is a step and a half off the base. He runs inside the baseline, towards the fielder. He is not avoiding a tag or taking a more efficient route. He is looking to make contact with a fielder to benefit…

Rizzo’s lawyer denied all allegations of wrongdoing.

Maybe doesn’t count because it was high school and wasn’t a report, but we spent an entire day of Civics class freshman year learning about adverse possession, and I remember every bit of it. Still a life goal of mine to take over some land that way.

Also had to do a research paper on an American History topic in 8th…

Sloths. Because they move so slowly that moss starts to grow on them, which gives them additional camouflage, and I can’t think of a greater triumph of evolution than to get to the point where the less I do, the better chance I have of survival.

Makes me feel really shitty for staying for the end credits of Infinity War.

They tried to find a “compromise” so they didn’t anger fans or players. And in the process they angered both. The best reaction to this situation (from a pure public relations standpoint) would have been to say, “We’re changing nothing. We’re just going to play the games. Fans and players can do what they want.”