I never knew that watermelons and handguns went so well together.

"Can we just cut to the chase and admit that people who listen to country music are generally dumb?"

I know it's anecdotal evidence but all 3 of my Subaru's will see between 25-35mpg all day, everyday. That's not real bad considering the AWD on each. Not Prius mileage but I'm satisfied. Neither are they overly large. All 3 are smaller in size and weight than a Camry or Accord.

Maybe if we started walking around naked, the misogynistic fat-shaming designers will be so repulsed that they will be forced to design clothes for us. A Naked Strike! "We refuse to wear ANY clothes until acceptable designs are easily accessible to us."

Never mind all that. "Cute" car, forsooth. I didn't learn how to drive a six-speed manual so I could NOT drive a Carrera.

It seems fake, but I don't know. My aunt made $7500 last week just by using her computer.

Oh yeah- I got a pixie thinking it would be all easy and no fuss- boy was I wrong! Elbow length hair was far less maintenance for me- and that's what I'm going back to.

Who's the child's mother, then?

I found it difficult to masturbate to these.

Ramen Noodle Truck Stop man was (as I mentioned) another blind date set up by my mom. My mom who neglected to mention he was a truck driver (a noble profession, and I'm not saying I wouldn't date a truck driver), and he neglected to mention it when he called and invited me over to his place. The time he gave in the…

A bit of background: my mom worked in an office setting where clients would come to sit at her desk while they worked out details for jobs. She kept a photo of me on her disk, and occasionally women of a certain age would notice, and inevitably I would get a call from her saying she gave my number to some guy's…

I was dating this guy, and I was attracted to him on an intellectual level because he was so creative, but the physical attraction wasn't very high. He was kind of an awkward lover - if we switched from me on top to him on top, instead of rolling over, he'd stand up on the bed while I laid down. And not only would he…

The first time is the worst time. I was 17 and this guy I worked with 'dared' me to sneak into his house and do it with him (he was a virgin too). I told my mom I was staying at a girlfriend's house and then snuck into his parent's house undetected and into his bedroom. We were both too awkward to just start making…

Okay mine is kind of gross and probably definitely not going to win, but it is the story of how I lost my virginity.

Do you like stories involving death, romance, resurrection, and penises? WELCOME TO MY LIFE.

Right? That could be a show on Discovery Channel. "COMING UP ON THE NEXT EXTREME BOTANIST..."

That's not a mole, that's a gopher and it appears Carl Spackler has gotten himself a kitty.

Can I take credit for my sister's time she got really, really lucky? I'm 9 years older than my sister, the baby of the family. One day when I was 11 or 12 (and she was 2 or 3), I walked into our family room to watch Nickelodeon or something. I could hear "Barney" playing on the TV and was not feeling that shit. I walk…

that sounds dope as fuck, like you zipline into the amazon to find rare exotic plants or treck through the arctic and fight mutant moose to collect lichen samples.

Is it just me, or is Weird Al the thing that is making this week almost somewhat bearable?