* helicopter looks out over litter-strewn highway, sheds single petroleum-based tear *

the kids hand their dying grandfather miner goggles so he can find his deceased wife in the intense white glow of heaven

But some of us are fed up with our hard-earned cookies going to hordes of anchor babies. America can't bake enough for the entire world, after all.

Scariest Places On Earth hosted by Linda Blair and narrated by that weird little woman from Poltergeist. Usual night vision "What was that?" bullshit, but their innovation was they had the cameras pointed directly into the face of the "investigator" so it was just jerky, fish-eye lens views of people's faces looking…

They all laugh…FREEZE FRAME

We're supposed to believe that name?

Agent Shoulda Laidofftheporkrinds.

Yeah, he definitely didn't kill them…which makes me worry they're setting up a redemption arc. "But Skye, I kneecapped them for YOU!"

Or with Schmoker's scenario above: Agent Ward Prickless.

Yeah, but when's Lush getting back together?

Don't "you" mean "Move on"?

"The couple were even further dismayed when a Russian cosmonaut, a big-time Broadway producer and the pop group the Mosquitoes arrived on the island."

Eh, Hitler would just make them "honorary Aryans" (like the Japanese) for the duration.

Are we to believe this is some sort of *snort* magical cell phone?

There was a Count on Twin Peaks? If it was Dracula, that would scary.

Mr. Crow in the Sock Monkey stories isn't an alcoholic, he's just a crow doll. It's his counterpart in Millionaire's Maakies strips, Drinky Crow, who's the lush. Dook Dook.

Or gratingly obvious song? Atomic Dog? Who let the dogs out?

Except the framing scene is shoot in the same CGI heightened look as the rest of the movie…it would have been kind of cool if you were suddenly dropped into a more realistically shot sequence at the end, maybe even not on in front of a green screen backdrop.

You should read the rest of it, after the bit with Jesus. It gets a lot less coherent.

"Tonight on 'Eliot Ness: Are You Hiring?', Eliot is embroiled in a desperate search for spare change in between the cushions of his couch and the stakes are raised when the mailman makes a special delivery…of bills."