Greetings, traveler. I'm Garth Marenghi, horror writer. Most of you probably know me already from my extensive canon of chillers, including "Afterbirth," in which a mutated placenta attacks Bristol.

Spoiler alert: the mockingbird finally gets killed. And this time, it's personal.

Pfft . . . all you stupid hipsters with your lame vinyl. Wax cylinders are where's it's at, man! It's the only way to listen to Al Jolson if you ask me.

If you really loved me, wouldn't you not give me McDonald's?

Wow, this is one of the more infuriating things that I've ever read on AV Club. And yet another example of why most people who write about music are absolutely terrible at it. "Merry Go Round" is no less of a Replacements song than any other in their post-Bob Stinson phase, and it's a great fucking song with a…

A George Gaynes?

Please don't confuse this with the new show that I'm developing, which pits Sunni and Shiite Muslims against each other in organized fights. It's called Sects Box.

Hmm, the 17th-century setting of this film is going to seem kind of strange with all of those obligatory Rolling Stones songs playing on the soundtrack.

#BringBackLobot

Nothing on this show made me so much as crack a smile, with the sole exception of seeing Sia inexplicably trot out a mime doing ESL during her second song. That's the funniest thing I've seen on SNL in years.

I just want to see the part where Dr. Feelgood passes his MCAT.

Yeah, but can he replicate Brandon Lee's hot rooftop guitar licks from The Crow?

"Does whiskey count as beer?"

Also, no steering wheel, amirite?!

Oh, she wasn't a teacher.

I wonder if this year's Oscar host Neal Patrick Harris will be able to mine any comedy out of this? If only we could have a Debbie Allen-choreographed interpretive dance about Dick Poop.

Earlier this morning, I saw that "Dick Poop" was trending, and out of morbid curiosity, I Googled the term to see why. The search results were . . . frightening.

I'm so glad they included this episode, and that they recognized the far superior UK version of "The Office."

"Okay Matthew . . . aaaaaand action!"

Unwatchable, meet insufferable.