I like basketball

I am running for the Democratic Party nomination for President of the United States of America. My platform is focused around expanding the McDonald’s $1/2/3 menu, free meme education for seniors, and banning the Flo Progressive Insurance commercials from the television airwaves.

Can’t take credit for that one. You can thank the brain geniuses at Fox News and their “3 Mexican Countries” graphic for that…

The Trump administration’s arguments against the deal were, characteristically, a lot harder to parse

At least not on the side we chose.

“Kid. Come on. I’m doing a live show over here. Don’t shit on my segment. If I lose this job, I gotta go work at the White House.” 

He’s doing this because he is counting on the Democrats never having power in the Senate again (esp. at the same time there is a Democratic president). That is what worries me most. He is calculating that Democrats will never get to reciprocate these power grabs because they’ll never have the chance.

Correction, we’re mad because we know the Dems WOULDN’T do this if given the chance, which they absolutely should. 

On the bright side, this gave Susan Collins a chance to reestablish her “principled moderate” persona by wringing her hands while expressing her deep concern and voting against it. Of course also doing so secure in the knowledge it wouldn’t make a difference because it already had the votes to pass.

Another anecdote from the book is that the caddies at one of the clubs Trump belonged to grew so accustomed to him kicking his ball onto fairways that they nicknamed him “Pele.”

Unacceptable lack of Mark Hamill in there.

Yes! Choose a centrist, pair them with a plate of reduced-sodium saltines as VP, and just ride that wave to a sure-fire victory.

Joe Biden is not getting my primary vote if he runs.

“Devin Nunes, who said that “we should not be used as a platform to spread false information and bizarre conspiracies.””

Devin fucking Nunes, Trump’s most eager taint remora, had the audacity to say this.  Devin fucking Nunes.

My favorite fan theory is that Ant Man will make himself microscopic, then sneak into Thanos’ butthole, and then hit the expand button. War over. Nagasaki basically.

There’s something... I don’t want to say “admirable”... about these people’s unwavering commitment to unnecessary evil. Awe-inspiring, maybe? Like, cutting the Special Olympics won’t have the slightest effect on the budget, and keeping it would give them moral cover to do some other depraved shit! But no, they gleefull…

They should give DeVos good seats for the Javelin throw. Like really, really good seats.

He’s going to be crushed during discovery when he finds out that the Devin Nunes’ Mom account is real.

Manifesto: It was my belief that once Barack HUSSEIN Obama wore that tan suit that the rules of society no longer applied...