Your grandpa sounds like a pretty cool guy

I mean, that’s a pretty standard response to anyone who asks if they can bring their kid to your wedding, when it clearly says no children on the invite. Don’t care if you’re a Cousin, no kids!

The soccer comments are dickish because Billy has been told the same complaints about his writing over and over and over for years - enough with the ridiculous paragraph-long run-on sentences, the use of fourteen paragraphs to make an incredibly banal point that could have been made in two sentences, the constant…

I know exactly how Andrew Luck feels. I mean, I don’t have a degree from Stanford or a bunch of athletic ability or millions of dollars or a super-high IQ. But I have been booed by people in Indianapolis. And my boss does a lot of drugs.

“Fear the Deer!”

I’m so excited to have a new brain genius in profession sports. Like, Kyrie just got served. 

As much as I want Jacoby to succeed ( former Patriots QB, after all ), seeing those tweets has made me believe that Indiana has already ruined him, and by the end of the season he’ll be the league’s first QB with Alzheimer’s. 

Andrew Luck 2012: *Takes a sack* Great job, man. Insane hustle. You really got me.

Andrew Luck 2019: You even just look at the ceiling and wish you could stop existing? Like, not die, but just POOF and cease being altogether. Maybe it’s nothing but motionless, soundless black. Complete emptiness. Nothingness. But it’s…

35B. Being hit by a bus whose driver is vomiting

I wondered where “being hit by a bus” or a creative variation thereof would figure. I am disappoint.

Jesus Christ, Laura! The body isn’t even cold yet!

I mean...of anyone in the MLB, Verlander especially has the right to be super protective over who has access to his cell phone information.

My main takeaway is that Verlander doesn’t know the definition of irony...

“Forget what?" - Derek from Muncie, through a mouthful of half-chewed ground beef and cheese

Just announce 25% off at Steak ‘n Shake and watch how quickly they all forget.

All over Indiana there are pastors this morning having to deal with people who are upset over a football guy retiring. Some people are just the worst

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Our thoughts are with their friends and family

Man. He got hit in the head so repetitively his son went crazy.