Cmon, Cubs fans. We all want Jim Deshaies out of the TV booth, but there are better ways.

It’s incredible that one day a member of this family would defy the odds and learn how to use a computer.

Toughest part of every year for Flacco’s mom was deciding who was going to be Dopey for Halloween.

The Giants led a similar campaign to collect unsafe fireworks, but the offer was only extended to current players.

Can we please get a “this is sportscenter commercial” where a old school school nurse is checking everyone’s head for lice, and then scott van pelt sits down with a giant smile on his face.

“We can neither confirm nor deny the existence or nonexistence of a criminal investigation until such a time as a person is charged with a crime,” said Hamburg Police Chief Gregory G. Wickett.

“Our research and experimentation has shown conclusively that those women sexually assaulted themselves.”

This no longer passes muster in today’s National Football League!

Retirement, Day 1: Tom Brady goes on a coke bender and beats a pool store employee to death with a perfectly inflated football because they don’t carry white pool covers.

Vigilant stewards? My god, Grigson is an even bigger tool than he appears.

From the timestamps, Grigson’s first email precedes the one from Sean Sullivan.

So, if I’m reading this correctly, two different pressure gauges were reporting back two different findings. They tried to normalize those readings into an average, but only applied that average to the balls at half time and not to the balls prior to the start of the game, and that error is the difference between…

Roger Goodell and Ted Wells are apparently the only two humans with college degrees who can’t understand what an utter fucking piece of shit that Exponent report is from a data analysis standpoint. It’s not a case of esoteric angels-on-the-head-of-a-pin theorems at play, either — it’s BASIC fucking principles of the…

But what is Bradshaw more well known for? Super Bowl winning Steelers quarterback or Matthew McConaughey’s dad in the cinema classic/triumph “Failure to Launch,” hmm?

“Good morning and welcome.”

“Motherfucker”

“What are thoooooose?”

Humanity will be wiped clean by then and it’ll be like soccer never existed. Then when a new life form evolves over millions of years they will find this simulation and this guy will again be declared a nerd.

I remember being pissed that Craig James was being replaced by Kirk Herbstreit on ESPN Gameday long long ago. I hope before I die they invent a time machine, so I can go back in time and confront my younger self by punching younger me in the dick for being such a jackass.

Mort’s quotes made me feel like I don't understand English.