“WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?! I SAID I WANTED THE RAINBOW NINTENDO SWITCH, NOT THIS UGLY FUCKING GRAY ONE! GOD, MOM, YOU ARE SUCH A FUCKING BITCH!”

It’s the rectal prolapse of sporting events.

Oh, I forgot one notable other alum:

I’d make a Jarmusch joke, but to be done correctly, it’d take three hours to deliver five words.

Fuck every single team in this tournament with a fire hydrant. I will shit all over your office bracket because all of college basketball is a giant bleeding herpe of manufactured enthusiasm.

Steve Albini is the only good Medill alum.

North Carolina is NOT tolerable.

Crosby, McDavid, Burns and Marchand are all legit Hart trophy candidates, but none of them saved jazz like Ryan Gosling.

Nope. Those are for whites now.

Jerry Jones is frantically trying to figure out how to dial internationally as we speak.

Maybe he can apply for a H1-B visa and coach soccer at Baylor.

His name... was Robert Griffin.

Also they will pay Romo $40 million guaranteed for two seasons and he’ll break his back in Week 3. Then we can laugh anew.

It’s an NBA-style move that’s drawing comparisons to what Sam Hinkie did with The Process in Philadelphia.

Hey! We’re not that close to the airport.

Blessed are the rape cover-uppers, for they shall dominate Division 1 sports.

Which is doubly ironic since LePage is a goddamn drunk. God I fucking hate him.

I know how this works. I score really well on multiple choice tests. When in doubt, always choose C.

I don’t use opioids. Just heroin and morphine like the good lord intended.

I am just going to assume the Patriots cheated.