How do these idiots think that making someone take a sip of a liquid proves it’s not hazardous? Even apart from the fact that a suicide bomber’s not going to take issue with poisoning themselves (as long as the effects of said poison don’t come on too quickly/strongly), non-hazardous and non-toxic are not the same…

Personally, my favourite is...

To be fair, I sometimes catch myself doing this around straight guys. The friendlier they are, the more inclined I am to “subtly” drop my lesbotronic status into conversation.

It’s a shame you didn’t put Bush’s ratings up there too, for comparison. Would’ve been interesting.

Steve Bannon’s looking unusually photogenic there.

I’m inclined to give them a pass right now. One of my closest friends just left her wife and had been in a pretty terrible state... But she says going to their concert with another friend made her feel like a gleeful 12 year old again. So thank you, Hanson.

“You don’t need to see his invitation. These aren’t the seats you’re looking for. He can have a second slice of cake. Move along now.” 👋

It’s all quite simple. You see, while consent is normally a matter of yes/no, consent to Bill Cosby exists in a quantum superposition. Since the wave function isn’t collapsable until after he’s had sex with someone, how can he possibly know a woman didn’t want to have sex with him? #QuantumCosbyApologism…

I assume in those first four quotes, you meant “... X was lying when she said you hit her”? Otherwise though, that’s totally awesome!

I’m already calling them the “Axis of Evil”.

No weak Tory-Libdem coalitions?... Nah, Tim’s not that dumb I suppose. The Tory-DUP axis of evil is far more likely.

Oh dear God, I hadn’t even considered that possibility. Thanks, now I’m definitely having nightmares tonight.

Damn you, I came here to make that joke!

Theresa May didn’t miss what happened in the US. She observed it closely, licked her lips and cackled evilly, all while stirring a bubbling cauldron.

Thank fuck, the pretence was getting tiresome. “Hello, fellow normal human! Are you enjoying the abundance of solar radiation? Later I plan to gorge on human food until my human belly is full of chemical nutrients! Long live Earth!”

I was pretty sure that the investigation into the last London attack revealed there wasn’t even that kind of connection between the attacker and ISIS. Maybe you’re aware of something newer turning up in that case? But whatever the case, I think we can all agree, fuck ISIS. Anally, with a rusty cheesegrater. That’s…

Actually, there’s been a good few times they claimed responsibility and then it was found there were absolutely no links between the attacker and ISIS. Like the previous London attack. They do it to make themselves seem more scary and powerful than they actually are.

How long before ISIS claim responsibility, regardless of whether they actually played any part in this or not?

[citation needed]

They really missed out by not making this the rush hour music: