Umm...no. Give me some proper seersucker, please.

I had bay leaf creme brulee the other night. I really can’t describe the flavor but it was savory and delicious.

There is no man bun in the world that is big enough to distract me from those eyes. Every time I see him I tell my hubs how close together his eyes are. Sooooooo creepy.

Jeez, just use Vaseline.

That’s what I was wondering too. I mean who da fuq is wearing a grill anymore? Didn’t I read that one of them doesn’t brush her teeth, she just uses Listerine? If so, I would expect some yellow ass teeth, fo sho.

LOL, I don’t remember the dream, but I wish I could because...Mr. Glock woke me up a few nights ago laughing his ass off. I was like wtf Mr. Glock? He said you just yelled out, “YOU HAVE A VERY LARGE VAGINA!!!” I have no memory of this, but I HAVE been having extremely strange dreams lately, as I’m stressed about…

I never wanted any children, you know.

I love my boss. I get her a nice bottle of wine. She gets me a Sephora gift card.

I CAN drink without a straw, but it’s uncomfortable because my front teeth are sensitive and the ice hurts them. And besides, who the hell brings you a carry out drink with a lid meant for a straw and doesn’t include a straw (repeatedly)?? I’m sure this a sandwich shop with the initials JJ, whose owner is pictured…

I’m not even pregnant (nor at age 53 will I ever be), and I still just ordered that tunic. Damn cute.

Please. My hair is completely in a crewcut now, aka Amber Rose, and I am a hell of a lot more feminine than Chelsea Manning. But oh wait...that’s because I was born a woman.

The UD setting spray makes my makeup last, but it also makes my face shiny, so I have to wait for it to dry and then dust HD powder over it. I also think it makes me break out. I swear that hairspray would do the same thing...

LOL tell Cindy Crawford she should get that shit taken off her face too...

She is cool AF and was sooo happy to be up there.

I’m on a liquid diet for tomorrow’s colonoscopy, so no sandwiches for me today, and I am NOT happy about it.

I have hair from my dead horse’s tail made into a bracelet, and also my dog’s baby teeth...

I thought Kim K. was supposed to be a kouch.

I put orange marmalade on pumpernickel toast and everyone thinks I’m strange. Mr Glock eats peanut butter and mayonnaise sandwiches and that is just disgusting.

Also, the prison debate team had no internet access. Only something known as “books.”

My grandpa helped liberate Dachau in WWII. He had photos and all sorts of memorabilia. I sent it all to the Holocaust Museum when he passed away. I wanted no part of it.