Ray Rice gets two weeks (initially).

Sorry. Title IX rape case. You are correct, the authorities determined insufficient evidence exists to file criminal charges. But you're mincing words. It's an allegation of rape at the core of all this hullabaloo, no? And although the D.A. declined to file charges it does not necessary follow that this coddled,…

Tweeting and fucking hashtags from an attorney regarding a rape case? My god, Jameis thinks that's petty and juvenile. It's also untimely. Why "reveal" this now and not when it happened? This is turning into an A1 clusterfuck of scumbags. Can't wait for more!

Excellent thinking to make sure Red Sox and Yankees people are represented, too. Those two teams really shine at getting through a game in a timely fashion.

Well NOW I believe the rumor about Peyton's fuckpad and countless mistresses.

There were players who were in Las Vegas a week or two after this incident and I know one player said, "You want to see the videotape of what happened?"

Glad DeSean got that touchdown, now he can focus on taking the rest of the year off.

And the unedited tape shows Rice presenting a box of chocolates, tenderly brushing his wife's hair from her face and going on blended knee to proclaim his infinite love.

Christ. You could practically weaponize Jim Nantz's voice slowed down.

The Vikings brought back Mike Priefer this week, the same week they cut Jerome Simpson for weed. Mike Priefer, you will remember, said gay people should be rounded up on an island and bombed out of existence. There was enough merit to the accusation that Priefer was suspended and forced to go to sensitivity training.

Towel? OK. Rubber glove? I'm on board. ALUMINUM FOIL? Get that the hell away from my dick!

Okay, follow up question: You can clone any current NFL player 21 times to make the best possible starting lineup (omitting special teams for simplicity). Why do you pick Jimmy Graham, and who will be your toughest opposition?

Alright, so we absent of the NFL doing away completely with punishing players for violations of personal conduct, how do you think the NFL should approach things? You said that the NFL shouldn't try to be a leader in moral campaigns against misogny and domestic violence - doesn't that imply that they should err on the…

I was put on the Exempt/Commissioner's Permission List as a kid and I turned out just fine. My parents did it out of love.

One of the hottest doctors I've ever seen delivered my second son (via c-section). Nothing like having a crush on someone who's seen your insides! After my son was born, and the doc was sewing me up, I said to my midwife, "Make sure he puts my insides back the way he found them, OK?", and from behind the drape, he…

Next week will be even crazier

Ya, I'm pretty sure Stanton never lost consciousness either

It goes without saying that no fewer than 11 of the items on this list (including #18) must involve vanilla ice cream.

Pecans themselves are garbage. Pecan pie looks like a pie crust full of cockroaches and tastes like donkey vomit. Only Klansmen enjoy it.

You can go to hell with that ranking of Pecan Pie. Never in all my years.....