• The wood should be light, which signifies little to no water.

It’s the softening of America. Back in my day we had to go find a Playboy that someone had thrown in the trash or go over to talk to the creepy friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend to buy drugs. Kids these days are all just, “I’ll get my porn on the internet and my weed hookups from Craigslist.”

Come on people, do I have to do all your work for you?

My wife and I finished hanging the bookshelves and pictures in the nursery after her water broke.

More likely it uses the gps and once you’re going 15mph it assumes you’re in the car

What are we talking about here? Certainly not the rubber thing with all the tiny rubber “fingers” that you set the glasses on—and also the thing which completely hammered customers will sometimes ask you to drain into a shot glass so they can do a “mat shot”? More like bar towels, right?

I ask this in all seriousness. Is there any possibility that Huckster actually believes all the shit that comes out of his pie-hole? He really can’t be that fucking petty, right? It’s all just some ultra-cynical ploy to make money after the campaign from the ever-gullible Christian right, right? I’m sure he’s bigoted…

One thing that most people don’t understand is that orthopedic trauma is much more debilitating to a much greater portion of NFL players than head trauma.

I’m sure cocaine gets stuck in your awesomely waxed Van Dyck beard. Some artisan, locally-grown, organic, hydroponic peyote is more to your liking.

It’s Mexico; they are undoubtedly plotting to rape and murder us. Them doing a little yeyo is the least of our (President Trump’s) worries.

Aacch. The drip is what turned me off of it. Not that I was doing it that much, but that drip is just terrible (to say nothing of feeling like ass at work the next day because you met your friends out for a drink and then at 10:00, just as you were getting ready to leave, one of them says let’s do a few bumps, and…

I recently learned that you can buy champagne in cans thanks to the genius of Francis Ford Coppola vineyards.

Bowe Bergdahl: not even remotely an officer. He was a Private. Also I don’t think you know what brash means. By all accounts, we was the opposite of brash. Finally, leaving your post is the definition of desertion, regardless of reason.

Ever think about why that doesn’t seem to apply to regular ol’ stoplights? Given how shitty our infrastructure is, you’d think we’d hear tons of stories in the news about a group of stoplights at some intersection showing green simultaneously, causing everyone to crash into each other during a horribly fateful split…

absolutely, positively untrue.

To say nothing of having no idea how (or if) the EPA is going to mandate future emissions compliance. While it seems unlikely that there would be a “fix” that had serious, negative implications for the cars’ performance, the chances of that happening are certainly non-zero.

Pretty fucking ironic, isn’t it, that it was Huma’s boss who started the whole thing denigrating Obama as a “secret Muslim” in the 2008 election. It’s easy to tell Ben Carson to “knock it the fuck off,” but would have really been something for her to tell her boss and a former president to cut it out. I truly believe…

It’s not the same as a Sierra, but it’s absolutely 80% the same as a high-mid-level Suburban or Yukon. And I say that as a compliment to the Suburbans and Yukons which are much nicer than I thought that they would be. The Escalades, however, are not 50% nicer.

Dear Santa Clara,

Or perhaps the goals of the EPA are valid and laudatory, but the bureaucracy, lack of accountability and its many petty employees are symbolic of the worst of government?