Talking to my five-year-old yesterday after joking about whether I’d rather throw her or her sister off the roof of our apartment building:

“I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man with no class.” All that gilded crap in that low-ceilinged New York apartment. Woof.

He. Seems. Like. A. Nice. Person. Just.Kidding. He Is.An Awful. Person.

Nothing should say “it’s over” like Paris Hilton photographing her way through your event

Isn’t it great how we can just change the word out, like with that fridge magnet poetry?

Republican men don’t think women face obstacles because THEY ARE THE OBSTACLE.

I hope both candidates bring memes

Thanks for the free cookies!

“We are literally living in a time when you can say you’re something on the Internet and become that thing[.]”

Me and all my nerd friends went to see it (separately) over the weekend and loved it. It was awesome and your life will be sadder for lacking it. :’(

Ghostbusters was SO GOOD! During the big final battle scene, there’s a shot of Kate McKinnon running in slo-mo toward a bunch of ghosts, guns drawn, and the Ghostbusters theme song is blasting while she does it. For the first time in my life, I felt what I imagine little boys feel at superhero movies. “That could be…

We would like to make clear that the solicitation of gay male prostitutes by family values Congressman at the convention in Cleveland is still perfectly acceptable.-The RNC

There is no sex in GOP, only for reproduction and rape.

I’m surprised that a sitting Supreme Court judge would comment publicly on the election. It’s inappropriate. Everyone can assume to know her opinion about Trump, it’s not hard to guess. But publicly commenting on the election destroys the appearance of impartiality.

“Ah, and you’re wearing pants. See how weird that is? See how weird it is to just acknowledge clothing is being worn? Not even compliment the clothing, just acknowledge the presence of clothing? That’s how weird you just were”

ANNA: “Thanks! I borrowed it from your Dad”

They really have taken an affront to this facade.

Yup, mine too. And Jamberry. Every Jamberry consultant I know ignores me and never interacts with me (they all also happen to be extreme conservatives, they're uncomfortable with me because I'm not Christian) but as soon as they started JB, I get messages about how I should really give JB a try, and omg how are you!…

she’s actually three toddlers in a trenchcoat, but sexy because they’re wearing nothing underneath

First draft: