Your coach:

This is the first thing I see when I open the internet today. Who knew a 15 year old from Iowa could give me such joy on my birthday? I feel like Jared Fogle.

That’s badass.

Having suffered with it for nearly fifteen years I can tell you that I would never ever wish Depression on even my worst enemy. Not only because of the inexplicable feeling of it, (which is not “being down” because its raining too much or “I’m sad that Joe broke up with me” but something entirely different and vast)…

This is an important point! A very important one, at that.

A country missing u.

“Racial imbalances do not always disfavor minorities. Just look at the NBA, where the majority of the physical labor is performed by black people, but the ownership is almost exclusively white. Wait, what was my point?”

I’m trying to figure out how he’s able to fuck New Jersey so hard when he can’t even find his penis.

Coach, what if I call her eight times and she agrees to go out with me?

I forgot this one!

Re: the high school dance boner.

"Asshole"

"Yup...these are my overlords."

"We had two bags of gysahl greens, seventy-five pieces of phoenix down, five hi-powered elixirs, a saltshaker half-full of smelling salts, and a whole galaxy of multi-colored hypers, tranquilizers, eye drops, echo screens... Also, a quart of remedy, a quart of holy water, a case of potions, a pint of raw ether, and…

In fact, it has been for more than a decade now. It was originally known as Reversible Inhibition of Sperm Under Guidance (RISUG) and it was developed by Prof. Sujoy K. Guha of the Indian Institute of Technology.

I don't know. I've always found that solution-based propositions to the problem in my relationships have always been more hurtful to me.

send her the $50 gift card and don't go. If you are going to travel 6 hours and drop $200 bucks a night for a wedding, then don't bitch about the gift. You think you're gonna go down there and get laid. Be honest. "I enjoy fancy occasions"

Photographer: Show me fierce!

I'm actually shocked there is nothing about Kenny's comments during the halftime show (You can't show us that angle! Change the angle!)