That’s an incredible ERA, but I’m going to take a hard pass on fucking you all the same.

Obligatory.

Sadly, he had no idea what to do when he reached third base

Week 1: “Carson Wentz looked more polished than he was because of his opposition.”

Usually it’s because if you throw behind the batter and the catcher still catches it, then both the current batter and the next batter are both automatically called out. If the catcher misses the ball, then the batter on-deck may shout, “Whack-bat!” and the current batter goes to third base, unless it is already…

What’s your point? Given the climate in the country - non-stop shootings of unarmed black men by police, an openly racist presidential candidate, and increasingly frequent public displays of racism - why wouldn’t these kids want to protest what happened at their campus? It’s an expression that they’re not going to…

What do you call a referee who exposes corruption?

I look kinda like that when I try to stop my kids from putting Oreos in the shopping cart.

nailed it.

I sort of assumed Edelman would know better than to hook up with a relative.

Oh.....well then, I’m the “C”

Wayne Brady choked a bitch

American players have scored more in the first period here than Team USA has in the whole tournament.

If you watch it with no volume, it looks like Don King is telling a joke and when the punch line hits -- “And that’s why I bedazzled my jean jacket last night” -- trump laughs dopily and the guy who looks like Dan Bylsma loses it.

That’s what he said? I’d seen other media reports and they all claimed he used some kind of “n-word”, but I was completely fucking stumped.

Fear is the entire object of terrorism (it’s conveniently located right in the very word). Every time we overreact or change our ideals in the light of a terrorist act, we are complying with the wishes of the terrorist.

OH YEAH BRO? OH YEAH? I GET LAID ALL THE TIME BY 10/10 MODELS SO OFTEN I CONSTANTLY HAVE TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL TO GET MY FLUIDS REPLACED. I’M LIKE THE BRAKES OF AN AARP MEMBER’S CAR BRO JUST SPLOOSHING EVERYWHERE. I’M BASICALLY BANGING GIRLS LEFT AND RIGHT, AND I HAD TO HAVE MY WIENER REGISTERED AS A WEAPON BECAUSE I…

This is the Raider Nation version of the swordfight scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Honest question, do you know what a football is?

I love that expression, "the nicest guy you'd ever want to meet." You see anyone nicer than him coming at you and YOU RUN THE OTHER FUCKING WAY.