I kinda have a problem with old people. Sounds a little mean but I find them creepy… and scary… and gross. I think they're gross. It's their hands, really, and how you can see right through them to their inside business.

Can a twink be a top or is that reserved for bears?

D.B. could definitely be a Mexican. We get him some pistols… he fires 'em off like crazy. He does the Mexican jumping bean. We get him a little thing with the chips… and he can dip the chips into the nacho cheese — it's hilarious. For all we know, he is Mexican.

If animals have taught me anything it's that you can easily die, and very quickly, under a bus and on the side of the road.

I mean, trees? Everywhere trees? What the hell is this place?

"I would love to meet you some day, it would be great to have a catch. I know I can't throw as fast as you but I think you would be impressed with my speed. I love your hair. You run fast. Did you have a good relationship with your father? Me neither. These are all things we can talk about and more. I know you have…

Oh, wow, a free ticket to a play that I don't want to see.

You don't shove a musical in someone's face.

Oh, you know, there's countless examples of very classy actors doing blackface. Let's see, we've got the great C. Thomas Howell in "Soul Man." We've got the Wayans brothers in "White Chicks" … that was a very tasteful example of reverse blackface.

The only reason you don't care is you have black girls hanging all over you.

You come and see this play — I didn't want to have to do this — but if you come and see this play I'm gonna leave you alone for the rest of your life.

Look, I just wrote a musical to write a musical, okay? I don't have a ulterior motive here.

Whose face are we shoving this musical in?

Let's pretend you're not who you are and just try to attract a woman.

Oh my god I just found a rat's nest. Slaughtered about… 200 of 'em.

Are you saying that we have to decide whether that old Nazi bitch lives or dies?

So then Hitler comes back from the past, he joins us on our adventure, we go on a big caper together.

Monkeys are like nature's humans.

There's been a lot of negative energy going on at this school, okay? So I want to talk to you guys a little bit about dancing. Now, back in the 50s and the 60s and the 70s, people used to dance all the time. That's the way we solved our problems back then.
That's how they solved their problems — through dance.
Then, all…

I'm gonna go grind a homeless guy