Maggie Smith can dowager up my abbey anytime.

Hold on — are you saying hot women don't exist in a perpetual state of wanting to instantly engage in oral sex with every average guy who appears in their sights? Man, I've been lied to by every…um, episode of Downton Abbey I purchased through legal channels.

Full text of Johnson's speech at that jamboree:
http://www.presidency.ucsb….

They're also excusing Trump's grossness as the 12-year-old version of locker-room talk. "What's the big deal, kids these days know all about this stuff, he's just talking to them on their level," and so on. Wonderful, now we've set the rhetorical bar for presidents at "12-year-old dickhead."

"Great turnout today, just tremendous. Not as big as my inauguration crowds, though. And hey, you won't believe who's going to turn out when I bite it. I'm talking kings, presidents, supermodels, the classiest of the classy. Now… who are we here for again? Right, this guy."

Where's the study that shows watching football causes brain disease? Because that would explain a lot.

It is indeed unfortunate your reasoned, thoughtful epistle about "lefties" and patriotism is met with mocking that would, in certain circumstances, cause some to wrap themselves tighter in their victimhood, secure in the knowledge they're not being challenged in any serious way to expand on their views.

Well, Bush I and Carter are both pretty up there. I imagine someone will find an excuse to keep him on the sidelines if either of them expire, since I can't imagine either family thrilled to have him at the podium.

If you're someone who doesn't understand why it's outrageous for a sitting president to turn a Boy Scouts jamboree into a campaign rally, then I honestly don't know how to explain it to you. But here goes.

I agree, comparing Trump to Hitler is outrageous.

Michelle O. wears a sleeveless dress: "The gall! The nerve! The outright temerity! Why does she hate children so much?"

I would not be shocked to learn there are some authoritarian types drawn to the idea of uniforms and positions of authority over children.

This is rock bottom, right? I mean, it can't get any less classy than this, can it? A speech about himself and his yuuuge victory and "we need more loyalty in this country" in front of a captive audience of children? Sniggering and telling stories out of school like he's a 12-year-old trying to convince his friends he…

This isn't that surprising. Mirroring is a common psychological tactic, used by sales types to ingratiate themselves to their bosses and put clients at ease (and you can bet The Mooch, who knows Trump is watching him, sees Trump as both). It's also surprisingly effective when used on the dim-witted and easily…

At the height of Ford's reign of error, I actually felt a bit of perverse pleasure thinking there was no way any other politician could ever top his unique blend of stupidity, crudeness and neediness. We were No. 1 at something! But then we weren't. THANKS A LOT, AMERICA!

So much for my copyright deal for the next animation sensation, a show about an angry gorilla named — you guessed it — Pissed Ape.

Up here in Toronto, we had our own proto-Trump — Rob Ford — with his own video scandal. Two reporters were offered a chance to see a cellphone video of Ford smoking crack, and they reported on what they saw. Ford came out swinging against the "fake news" (he didn't use that term, but he sure as hell derided the media…

Bingo. Goddamn, I am so fed up with people who think they're being daring by dumping on a group that gets dumped on plenty, or that they're part of some grand crusade because they shit-talked strangers online and posted a few memes.

"Caring about stuff is what makes life worth living."

"But keep on about railing against Trump. It makes me happy." What, no "libturds" in there? I feel ripped off.