"Check this out, I just made it up: the three B's: beers, boats, and buds."

While I don't have a family history of depression, I do come from a long line of stoic German-Irish who only publicly display the "emotions" of Boisterous, Cheerful, Caustic, Entertainingly Grumpy, Rage, and Drunk.

I was told once that I look like Sylvester Stallone fucked Jimmy Kimmel, which I don't think is accurate but is too funny not to repeat whenever this question comes up.

Someone emailed me this Kurt Vonnegut Inventory in college after they realized I had 5 of his novels on my shelf:

The Genesis Device

Having finished my masters I just found out that I'm going to be promoted to a management position despite coasting at about 65% and absolutely reeking of ennui. Apparently, if it weren't for people being good at stuff they actively dislike corporate America would crumble.

Dr. Pepper 10…

"That took courage."

Maybe Dan's fetish is having his husband send in kinky letters?

In a similar vein, if I hear one more empty suit say some variation of "not just survive, but thrive"  with a look on his face like he just trumped Hemingway, I'll silently pack my office and never come back.

Don't forget the OG, the "at least I know I'm an asshole" guy.

Then Asian people go from 80-lookin'-55 to 82-lookin'-146.

@EvelKareebel:disqus True, but they'd better tread softly. If he's like some people, a group of friends coming on too strong could trigger the sort of knee-jerk bullheaded defiance that often accompanies this sort of dipshit behavior.

Double Yup

Yup. I've been the self-destructive friend so frequently in the past that my friends would just say, "see you in a month after crazy goes crazy." Definitely let him know you think he is fucking stupid and needs to stop this, but at a certain point you can only wait around to play catcher in the rye.

Racist, joyously perpetrated ethnic cleansing in defiance of the Supreme Court. Potato, potahto.

This may have completely ruined the show for me. Ugh.

Oh yea. "You Got Me On So Bad" is one of my all-time put-it-on-repeat songs. Preferably in a drink/patio environment.

I was hoping that I'd be able to break the habit of stashing an envelope of bail money somewhere in my house after I graduated. My friends have not cooperated with this hope. For four years.

Any one of the several inexplicable Ja Rule and Jennifer Lopez collaborations.