Maybe it's not what we think. Maybe some of the people on the elevator were going to the 9th floor, and the others were going to the 11th.

In three days, someone will break their leg, sue the property owner, and get a minimum five-figure settlement.

Twin Peaks is to Damon Lindelof as Led Zeppelin IV is to Whitesnake.

I look forward to ESPN figuring out a way to continue to talk about this for another two weeks.

The shocking twist:

Funny, he doesn't look like a chipmunk.

Ever since a studio bought the film rights to "The Joy of Sex," any property looking to be the most ridiculous film project comes in a distant second.

So if the first one is in Florida, then this one would be Caddyshack 2? Will Jackie Mason attend the ribbon cutting? Perhaps Jonathan Silverman? Marsha Warfield?

http://www.tedmosbyisajerk….

No, that's Go Fish.

Me too.

♫ A corpulent man with political aspirations
to ascend to a place to lead our nation
Realized he wouldn't win that race so he buddied up to the winner instead

The tumor however has signed a contract with Fox News. In a statement released to the press, Fox News says they are "excited to have a new team member with solid broadcasting experience, and look forward to have it around to make Sean Hannity look slightly more human."

I was one of those rail-thin, super super high metabolism kids, so I could really sock it away here and there, but this was above and beyond. The scary part was not that I could eat all that food, but that I wanted to. It wasn't a "let's see how far I can go with this" daredevil type act where I was pushing myself…

I remember going to the Outback once as a teenager and eating an entire grilled shrimp appetizer, a salad, three loaves of bread, a 16-ounce steak, a loaded baked potato, and a piece of cheesecake. I found the experience terrifying.

I'm sure the botulism would kick in well before he got to that number.

Actually, you could probably say one thing about that photo phrased many different ways.

I'm not such a buzzkill that I think fireworks shouldn't be a part of the celebration at all, and that people shouldn't be able to pick some up and have a little fun on the holiday, but Jesus Christ show an ounce of consideration for your neighbors and their pets. Like on Halloween, it's not like the first…

Fuck the 4th of July. People always want to talk about the veterans and their sacrifice when any nationalistic holiday rolls around; so what about the veterans with debilitating PTSD? Do you think they want to listen to several hours of unrelenting explosions? And pardon me while I get old-man on you, but I feel…

I had a dream night before last that I was living in a house with Anthony Bourdain (whose show I have not watched in several years) that was almost burned down when a celebrity reality show contestant - a bunch of whom were living in the house with us - knocked over a pot of coffee in what I guess you'd call a boiler…