"Hey, someone stole my cellphone. Can I borrow yours to track it?"

Come on, next thing you'll tell me is the world didn't need Late Night Cheeseburger Doritoes.

Yeah, he's merely technically old enough to be her father. No wonder he dumps her and runs away.

I'm pretty sure it's required at the Weinstein Company.

Driving through the deserts and mountains of Arizona while listening to album two of Physical Graffiti was a near-religious experience.

You could probably do nearly the complete Police hits:

My mother used to own a video store, and we offered VCR repair in the early days. Old Charlie used to fix those, and I remember being told about the first time he opened one up and BOOM, cockroach central. I think that probably was followed by a long period where I was terrified to even set foot inside the store.

To Send Us an Email Use: rep@heavensgate.com

quote-unquote “truth”

What? After the love letter to sisterhood that was Boomerang?

I definitely think Ray Combs wins the malaise wars.

Instead of a big reboot, I wish MTV was getting a big stanky boot.

When one poor kid asked Trump to sign his hat, the president agreed, then tossed the autographed hat into the teeming masses.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS IF IT'S NOT BUTTER?!™

Wait, who directly tackled a terrorist in the two Corey's trailer?

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you." And the grasshopper says, "Really? You've got a drink named Fred?"

These shrimp are just fantastic, that is really what I think.

I would not get that close, especially with footwear not conducive to quick getaways…

"How do you feel about that alligator, Mr. Horse?"

I was expecting you to say something more along the lines of, "No, it's spelled Iris Harambe, but it's pronounced Throat Wobbler Mangrove."