Dennis Rodman was busy making a North Korean propaganda film.

I think he's a Sophia who tells stories about the movies he's seen instead of Sicily.

Haven't you read all the studies that say that every minute you spend in a seated position reduces your lifespan by 3 years?

I'm sure Huckabee's advice for this would be, "It sounds like you need the Lord in your life, son. God is your friend who comes to your open mic night and laughs at all your jokes."

I love his tweet calling people who don't appreciate his material "humorless" and that it's "way over their heads". This is like serving someone a plate of coffee grounds and banana peels for dinner, and when they say they don't want to eat a pile of garbage, accusing them of being hungerless and not appreciating…

Sorry, I don't write hardcore pornography.

I'm the opposite. I see a 50% rating as a badge of honor. It means a movie is potentially interesting enough to be polarizing.

Rotten Tomatoes derailed the very promising directing career of Sondra Locke!

This is so idiotic; he's contradicting himself from one sentence to the next.

I can just see him bouncing back into the White House:

Aw, that's adorable. He looks really worked up. After that, I'm sure he'll need his binky and a nice nap.

How did the cantina band get that gig? What does it pay? Do they belong to a union? All these questions and more answered in The Adventurers of Figrin D’an the Kloo Horn Man.

Followed by stand-alone films starring every single alien from the cantina scene.

I think it all started the night his uncle Ben was murdered.

His given name is Hieronymus Q. Nerfherder.

I think John Mayer's problems began when people started telling him he was funny, and he thought that meant he was funny like a professional comedian is funny, rather than how they really meant it; that for a musician, he can be kinda funny.

That was actually just a brilliant diversion. Notice he never checked to see if he still had his wallet.

Depending on who you ask, that you're A) a pedant, B) a smartass, C) technically correct (the best kind of correct!), D) not a formerly-lapsed but now-practicing Christian, or E) a normal living being like all others who are only born once.

Seeing as Europa Report also featured a space octopus, at least three.

How can you say that? It's like you haven't even seen Frozen Assets.