Listen up, asssholes! I'm getting pretty sick and tired of you people always leaking to the press how shitty I am to everyone. Until this ends, I am revoking all bathroom privileges.

Billy the Perv is dead. Henceforth, he shall be known as William the Empathetic!

I went through a two week period where I couldn't get enough and thought they were the greatest group ever after hearing them for the first time. I bought up all the albums I could find. Then one day I woke up and thought "This is pretty shitty". I've never fallen in love with or fallen out of love with a band so…

Now you're on the trolley!

That's a poor jab at a man's NRA membership.

You shudda seen how many scoops of ice cream he used to eat!

No one accepts my ass money.

Suckin' on my titties like you wanted me,
Callin me, all the time like blondie
Check out my chrissy behind
It's fine all of the time
Like sex on the beaches,
What else is in the teaches of peaches? huh? what?

I'm having trouble following the logic that only religious people can aid the poor. Why can't we have quality institutions that educate the young and then let them make their own decisions regarding politics and religions once they are 18? Are you making an ends justify the means argument? Would a school associated…

He does look pretty skinny now that you mention it.

Just my luck. I finally get a chance to go to the movies, and now I have to sit next to some guy who brought his own diarrhea from home to drink during the movie.

I was slightly depressed after watching nearly two hours worth of 80's commercials on Youtube and then realizing commercials were some of my fondest childhood memories.

I can't judge anyone for voting for Stein. After all, I voted for Nader in 2000 while living in Florida. But having said that, the lesson I took away from the 2000 election was that in certain situations voting your conscious is a fool's errand. You may think voting for the lesser of two evils is cynical and wrong,…

I don't know, man. Too many shots is why my kids exist, I exist, and many generations of my family before me exist.

Except for those two times, the rhythm method has worked perfectly for me.

Death panels are un-American! Let's cut out the middleman and just let people die!

It's not widely reported, but that Dr. was dragged off the United flight to make room for that asshole Elmo.

I don't follow. Could you convert that to thumbs for me?

Fast food fish sandwiches have the same problem as fast food salads. Maaaaaaaybe if they were fresh they could be good, but you just know that no one has ordered one for weeks and whatever you end up getting will be older than dirt.

You must be thinking about the remake of The Fly.