Well, someone is going to have to run the detainment camps. Might as well be Ohio.

My fantasy is that I would address him with the utmost respect and courtesy. Then I'd proudly shake his hand …and immediately start giggling uncontrollably.

"See? No terrorist attacks over the last six months. That's proof my policies work! I must have saved the lives of at least five thousand people by now."

If you ask nicely, will they put the Double Down inside the chicken chalupa and then fry the whole thing together for maximum outrageousness? If not, then hard pass.

DSPI: Miami, coming after another decade or two of global warming

It's as if you've never even heard of COOL RANCH® DORITOS® LOCOS TACOS!

Internet not fair to serial sexual harasser! For shame, internet!

I claim "jorts"!

I knew I recognized you! You're that American Idol guy that was crying about mean Popeye's employees, right? Can I have your autograph? My whole family is a big fan….

Fair enough. I just feel those exact justifications you listed for settling could very easily be applied to Affleck as well. I guess I'm just trying to say that on my list of "100 things that point to Affleck's guilt", settling out of court is near the bottom.

Couldn't the opposite be true? Why would these women want to settle if the accusations were true and they had evidence? Why wouldn't they want justice served? It seems to me that settling the lawsuit is beneficial to both parties if they both want to see an unpleasant situation end quickly. In my mind, settling…

I've always suspected my lack of successes in life has been attributed to not having an archenemy to drive me to greatness.

Unbreakable 2: Lifetime Warranty from Ronco

The teachings of Alien Jesus are vague and confusing. That's why there's so many alien denominations.

So my sixth grade english teacher was right all along! It stands for Kids In Satan's Service!

I disagree. Clearly the Burger King Whopperito is some intelligently designed metaphysical test to expose our true selves and determine the ultimate fate of our souls.

It's green?!? This was not the way to revisit the Shrek series.

Well played, comrade. That whole "God" bit will surely fool these American swine.

Wasn't the Lucas M.O. that he would take english words and twist them/spell them incorrectly? I'm thinking "Faa'thur Fegyor". That or "Sleazebaggano Jr" for that improbable intergalactic two degrees of separation everyone has.

I'm not gunna lie. Every time I accomplish something great (achieve high score in trivia, assemble baby furniture in record time, etc.), I pause for a second in case it was some test from an alien race to find the best humanity has to offer. It's all thanks to that movie.