Poor Dan Quayle. He even gets shit from Saturday morning children's entertainment.

I don't get kids these days. Back in my day, you didn't choose to suck a dick, you did it because the priest made you.

DC Shoes are being molested at Pizza Huts.

Well, in their defence, they're not so much bored as they are anxious I'm gunna yell at them to "shut the fuck up" like I'm forced to every couple of hours or so. Now that I think about it, I'd probably enjoy the movie more if I just left them in the lobby.

Hey, Pal. My kids are mature for their age and are used to hearing one "FUCK!" every two hours or so.

We finally have the hologram technology available to us to make this a reality.

*sets a Diet Coke on your table with a lemon*

Affirmative action…..in space?

*Political mastermind and architect of the end-times Lorne Michaels cackles maniacally*

I think we could learn a lesson from Ricky and harness the power of imagination to pretend we have a competent President who won't doom us all and wears fun outfits.

If I hadn't seen the shitty trailer, I would have sworn that movie was fake. Holy crap is that movie cringeworthy.

The title is accurate! Jurassic Park is now a reality. The only difference is you just get to see a tail.

It's a Unix system. You didn't know that?

If there's one thing that the Creation Museum taught me, it's that cave men used dinosaurs for travel as well as for their delicious appendages.

Nah. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything.

Does he finally look older than 10?

Fake I.D.s come with the playset.

You have to buy Christmas gifts for botched abortions now? This whole situation is getting worse and worse.

Listen, I go to the bar to get AWAY from my family. I'll be damned if I let those two worlds collide.

To play it safe, I go number one in the men's room and number two in the ladies room.