"Who's saying nukes have been launched? Completely untrue. Let's stop all these stupid questions about the end times and spend the next ten minutes looking at my wife's classy boobs."

He probably owns a Hummer dealership.

I would think with you being Satan and all, that you would have better access to comedy writers.

The baby and the neural karaoke are locked in deadly combat! It's Deep Blue versus Kasparov all over again.

It was a simple mix up. The A.I. is always confusing the word "flower" for "blood".

What a horrible time to join Nintendo Anonymous. C'mon, man. Just one last taste to remind you of childhood. Super Mario Run is gunna be the meth of video games.

Were you one of those weirdos moaning in agony when she said she was leaving?

I was a latch key kid without the key. My instructions were to "just play in the yard until someone gets home". With a bush to pee in and a hose to drink from, I was all set.

I tried to be one of the Wonder Twins, but I’m gonna not try anymore.

Mop also contributes more to society.

Technically it's only one, but it just looks like multiple because it's the entire Growing Pains cast.

It's easy to remember. I have Anders Hove tatted on my right arm, and Leo on the left.

I've never been so anxious in my life than when my children were eating solid foods for the first time. It's like this horrible waiting game to see if they choke on all the food they're shoveling in their mouth.

Well, the portion of the afterlife set aside for the damned at any rate…

Can you imagine what kind of craziness would ensue if something happened to Trump? The alt-right would elevate him to sainthood. I'd bet you'd see pockets of gun toting rioters demanding answers and finding none of them acceptable.

Like sands through the hourglass, so are the Days of Our
Lives.

It'll be worth a watch I think. I'd just like for these shared universe movies to start smaller scale. How about a movie where Tom just has to escape the pyramid? Let's build up to the whole "the fate of the world hangs in the balance" schtick. Assuming they are going to do multiple movies, why escalate the stakes…

Inevitably, your mummy issues will get projected onto your significant other.

Loosin' It*

Those idiots. Rogue Won? They spoiled their own movie!