My mom said if I keep outragebaiting it'll make me go blind.

On the one hand, you really need a comma in that last sentence.

Hmm I'm pretty sure if this were a legitimate Lena Dunham abortion comment, the internet would have a way to shut that whole thing down.

Shaving my head was a great decision for me, too. I was getting really tired of being the only 25 year old I knew with a combover… The only downside is right now is a difficult time to be a musclebound young white male with a shaved head in America. I feel like every time I go out in public I need a t-shirt that says…

No, effort is worth something. Particularly when the rest of the world is going to actual hell.

Yeah, what the fuck ever. In this year, this horrible goddamn year, I will not stand for a movie where the message is "black women can do math as well as white men" getting almost the same grade as the movie where CGI animals sing karaoke for two hours. Even if it's super flawed feelgood Oscar-bait, a C+ is just…

Producing True Detective is a flat circle.

- the producers of Legend of Tarzan

Seriously, it was formative. Like Bruce Wayne's parents getting murdered, but instead of becoming Batman I dedicated my life to mocking things on the internet.

Thinking back on it, the live-action Grinch may be the first movie I ever realized was terrible. Like, I had been bored by movies before, and there were movies that I didn't like or that upset me. But I very clearly remember being ten years old, sitting in the theater during that awful original song Cindy Lou Who…

What a perfectly fitting end to 2016 - Matthew McConaughey, Reese Witherspoon, Scarlett Johansson, John C. Reilly, and Nick Kroll are all in a movie together, and it's this shit.

That could have been a good thing, if it distracted you from the fact you were watching the second Hobbit film.

He prefers the traditional Russian movie snack - vodka and numbing, miserable cold.

A cursory glance at any "$1 clearance used vinyl" section points to yes.

No, you're thinking of Tom "Bones" Malone.

Something something Stop or My Mom will Shoot!

Ha, like he would waste them on the NEA… Those are cabinet-level talent!

I've heard of administrations getting off to a rocky start, but this is ridiculous!

I DREW FIRST BLOOD

Just wait till January 20 and you can save yourself a trip