Not only am I the President of Hair Club for Bros, but I also have heart disease.

One of the million times I was sent to the Discipline Office in high school, the Dean was in the middle of his lunch of Chinese food. I said, "I love rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and want 2,000 of something." The Dean laughed and sent me away without punishment. It's Mitch Hedberg's fault I lack discipline,…

Science also declared my dog would die of dog butt cancer when I was a kid, and science was right, so...

Since when?

"Give that man a condom."

Judging by evidence of toothpicks left at the scene, I'd say your tricycle thief is Dusty Baker.

Souvenir? I fucking earned my Scalabrine jersey in that silent auction, son.

Noticed an interesting new trend amongst the rabble this year, perhaps even a threat to our beloved Hoopsters. I've dubbed them "LAXsters." A very large portion of the festival goers donned lacrosse jerseys and shirts, mostly of the sleeveless variety. Most seemed to be from high school or park district teams. These…

Ortiz only trails Steve Garvey by 361 in Fucking RBIs.

"And for the record," continued Hopkins, "that bitch ass Uncle Tom McNabb endorses Ray Ban."

Keith: "Thanks for suggesting me as a Facebook friend to all the chicks in your class. High five!"

Not a trade, but a better sophomoric matchup: [cardboardgods.net]

Tommy Lee is calling his lawyer as we speak.

Meanwhile, unibrow fighting still rages on in Colin Farrell's bathroom...

Schefter's tweet suggests that Christ is not omnipresent.

Next you're going to tell me my Chris Henry Facebook friendship is fake.

Opus Dei is going to kill him just to be on the safe side.

Apparently Greg Oden's last trip to Asia bore fruit.

He didn't know the way... to the doctor's office.

This would have never happened if he listened to his pitching coach in the minors, John Goodman.