And does anyone want to help me out on how to separate lines in this new format instead of just having bunched text?

I assigned my freshman students to write a poem beginning with "I've known..." after reading Langston Hughes' "The Negro Speaks of Rivers." This is an actual submission I received today, no joke: "Queers" by Zach H. I've known queers. I've seen the kids that wear skinny jeans out And moan about their girlfriends and…

If you fill the combustion valve with more Dr. Fogwhistle's All-Purpose Elixir/Arouser instead of that bygone Buchanan's, there will be less friction in the chain drive, thus less smoke.

Hmm... Emma is too tall to fit in those pantsuits... so... Drew is finally getting the big choppy chop?

"Tiger Woods took to Twitter to say that he's sorry for spitting. His saliva will cost him anywhere from $400 to $16,000 in fines." And yet it was porn stars spitting that cost him a helluva lot more.

When Luke Harangody is laughing at you, I think thoughts of suicide are appropriate.

(pictured: Pucky on the set of his recent shoot for the popular Cetacea zoophilia website blowholesandmoms.com)

"He took kickbacks from signing bonuses and contract buyouts to secure Latin American prospects." Tom Cruise has expanded his "For the Betterment of Mankind" Program south of the border.

"...an unlikely mix of promoted D-Leaguers, past-their-prime vets, injury fill-ins, and Boobie Gibson." It's like every orgy I've ever been to...

"Wake Forest's baseball coach donated a kidney to a freshman player who has yet to play a game." Pssh. Come back to me when it's somebody soul. —ARod

@JohnnyDrinky: I don't count beers, but had them from noon until 10pm, a half dozen or so shots, a brat, a corned beef sandwich, fried chicken, chili, fries. And I'm relatively sober. We do it a bit different here on the South Side of Chicago.

@Eddie Murray Sparkles: Golf clap.

H.T. Choo is actually the name of my wealthy great-uncle who left me millions in his will on the condition I can raise a child who gets married after being homeless for at least two years.

This adds a whole new meaning to Mother Nature completely raping us here in Chicago.

*Roethlisberger with hand on female boom: goes the dynamite

@WhynotstartYunieveryday: I think Polk's terrible 40 times should have tipped off the scouts, but it didn't.

@Back Spasm Waiter: I see what you did there.

For some reason I saw a similar WNBA advertisement that demanded high sticking.

@OchentaYcinco: You shit in the asshole janitor's closet at work today, too?

Jeez, Dick Vitale is drunk in this clip.