I expect the Russians would have similar sorts of trouble in high heat. An average Siberian summer day is in the 60-70F range. Chicago routinely gets 90F+ midsummer days.

Men who brag about cunnilingus, in my experience, are never good at it.  I can’t imagine how terrible men who have t-shirts announcing their sex skills are.

“I didn’t have much experience of how to organize domesticity.”

I will admit I like Cardi B a lot better when she’s dragging Tomato Lungfish across Twitter than getting into bar fights. Hopefully she will one day read up on LGBT+ stuff, but this is a start in getting her young fans involved.

When I saw “I will dog walk you.” I SCREAMED. Omg when will our faves?

I went to a super restrictive religious elementary school, which I guess made us bored and weird in return. Anyway, it was probably 3rd or 4th grade, definitely old enough to know better, and I remember walking around the baseball diamond with my friends during recess chanting, “God made dirt so dirt don’t hurt.” We…

‘Humorous-less’ is actually funnier than the original piece. Slow clap for you, unintentional comic.

Hm. I mean, I know - I KNOW - satire and all that, but I dunno. This reminds me too much of this Onion article about birds being suddenly allowed to have abortions and then pushing all their eggs out of the nest, as if being allowed to do something undesirable becomes desirable by virtue of it being allowed.

I live in Minneapolis and this has been covered on the news extensively (Barron is about 90 minutes away. Gayle King flew to MSP and posted a video about how great the bathrooms are at our airport). We all, myself shamefully included, had opinions.

I’m so in love with this image I’m going to tattoo it on my person.

CK asserted “The whole point of comedy is to say things that you shouldn’t say. That’s the entire point.”

I know! I am so lucky!

But it’s still funny when I get a string of messages like this:

I wish! I did tell him, after his frantic apology text that I liked him but I didn't LIKE like him.

I’m guessing there’s a porno somewhere where Man-pussy is used and it must be popular. Nothing against porn, really, and nothing against vaginas, but I somehow don’t want to have parts o me called Man-pussy lol. Also not a fan of being called a bitch during sex. Or, at all 😂.

“What are the chances your sister can join us?”

Who wants to fuck someone with egg salad breath?!?

I hate to win pissing contest two weeks in a row, but if “I want to fuck you where you fart” isn’t a winner, then I don’t know what is. 

I used to work directly across the street from the building I lived in and at the time my partner and I had somehow gotten into the habit of using ridiculous food euphemisms for sex. One day I was at work and got a message that said “If you come home right now, we can have egg salad sandwiches” so I dipped out of a…

I burned it from my phone but I once received an exercise in amateur literotica from my brother that was meant for his girlfriend. I texted back "Please, sir, there's been a mistake " and then died inside. 

Back in my dating days, a girlfriend once sent me a text during an argument: “ERROR: Clitoris not found.” It not only made me laugh, but I resolved to be more...generous orally.